Confession #7: I need you to need me.

All in all, things have gotten significantly better since I last blogged. Mizzou has started to feel like home. I've made even more wonderful friends who are amazing, Godly role models to me every day, and I've created so many memories that I will never forget. College really is some of the best years of your life -- but they're also the toughest.

In the midst of all of the joy that has surrounded me in the past few weeks, I of course continue to struggle with issues that have surfaced in my mind. Today I came to a heavy -- and somewhat distressing -- realization: I rely solely on acceptance and validation from others to define my beauty, worth, and purpose. This idea isn't new to me, as I've dealt with it since middle school as most adolescents do. But the feeling has yet to wear off and lately it's become a serious problem in the way that I build relationships with new friends.

It's no secret that I love the idea of marriage and motherhood. I've blogged about it before, so that's available as a reference. But lately the idea has been present in nearly all of my thoughts -- considering girl friendships in relation to bridesmaids, considering location in relation to where my future home will be, considering boy friendships in relation to possible husbands, everything. It gets in the way of every detail of my life and I'm really sick of the worrying. The nagging, the constant feelings of inadequacy and unimportance that stir within me when one of my beautiful blonde friends gets male attention for the umpteenth time, the worry that my haircut makes me loose any femininity I may have, the idea that I would be prettier if I was just a little bit thinner and an inch or two shorter, the burden that my personality has yet to grow and develop since seventh grade and I still come off as a hateful, spiteful person, the dismay that comes with feeling like I am not good enough. I am continually plagued with the fear that I will never receive the validation, love, and comfort I so desperately desire from other people.

Tonight, as I walked around my room and cleaned up a bit after dinner, I laid this burden down on the Lord. I cried and sobbed and spoke to him for a solid 30 minutes, confessing my fears and weaknesses and struggles. I had a revealing heart-to-heart with the one man who can help set me straight -- the one man that will love me unconditionally, faithfully, unfailingly, eternally. The one man who will never once let me down.

Honestly, I don't have many moments like that -- moments where I completely and whole-heartedly open my soul to the Lord and pour out to Him. Moments where I don't attempt to hide behind my hard-shell exterior in an effort to come off unbroken and unwavering. Moments where I allow the Lord to stir my heart for Him and no one else.

The Bible is full of verses that explain God's love for us, but there are three key points outlined in the books of Psalm, Matthew, and Galatians that provide me with the first steps in dealing with my struggle to understand that the only person in this world who will ever be able to fill my heart with a sense of completion and purpose is the Lord.

1. My creation was thought out in such a marvelous manner that I will never truly understand the depth of love my God has for me.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
- Psalm 139:13-16

2. God does not care for the material possessions of this world, for we are not of this world.

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
- Matthew 6:19-21

3. The favor of God far outweighs the favor of man -- and it is impossible to devote myself to both whole-heartedly.

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."
- Galatians 1:10

The abilities of our God are unfathomable. If we reflect on the power He has in this world, how can we doubt the power He has in us? Trust in Him and we will find freedom. I must trust in Him to find my freedom.

After I wiped my tears, cleaned my glasses, and resumed homework on my computer, I felt a sense of peace. I opened Spotify and clicked on my "Jesus" playlist, as I often do in times of weakness and emotional vulnerability. Kari Jobe sang words into my mind that calmed my soul and reassured me that the Lord holds every answer I crave. Every validation I desire. Every acceptance I need. Every confirmation I could ever imagine.

Trouble's chasing me again

Breaking down my best defense

I'm looking

God, I'm looking for You

Weary, just won't let me rest

Fear is filling up my head

I'm longing

God, I'm longing for You

I will find You in the place I'm in

Find You when I'm at my end

Find You when there's nothing left of me

To offer you except for brokenness

You lift me up

You never leave me thirsty

When I am weak

When I am lost and searching

I'll find You on my knees

So what if sorrow shakes my faith?

And what if heartache still remains?

I'll trust You

My God, I'll trust You

'Cause You are faithful

And I will find You in the place I'm in

Find You when I'm at my end

Find You when there's nothing left of me

To offer you except for brokenness 

You lift me up

You never leave me thirsty

When I am weak

When I am lost and searching

I'll find You on my knees

When my hope is gone

When the fear is strong

When the pain is real

When it's hard to heal

When my faith is shaking

And my heart is broken

And my joy is stolen

God, I know that

You lift me up

You never leave me thirsty

Find You in the place I'm in

Find You when I'm at my end

Find You when there's nothing left of me

To offer you except for brokenness 

You lift me up

You never leave me thirsty

When I am weak

When I am lost and searching

I'll find You on my knees

If I want others to love me, I must first acknowledge that my Father loves me.

And His love is all that I need.

Confession #6: Darkness is deception.

Two months later and I'm finally back. So much has happened since I blogged last, but I'll try to cover the basics in this post. I've moved to Missouri, made wonderful friends, taken my first round of college exams, had my heart broken, cried myself to sleep, invented a fake fraternity, sprained my thumb, joined a youth group, had two paychecks, and learned an immense amount about myself.

First off, and most importantly, let's get one thing straight:

Moving out is the best and worst experience of my life thus far.

On August 1st, I was so ready to get out of Texas. To get away from home, to start a new life, to take a step in the direction of my future. All I could focus on was Mizzou, freedom, and a new beginning. Looking back on it, I honestly have no idea what I was thinking. I am one of the biggest adversaries to the idea of change. Ask anyone that knows me -- I don't like change. I never have and I don't know if I ever will. I prefer to keep in a routine, to stay where I'm familiar, to remain comfortable in a setting that I have grown accustomed to. Knowing that about myself, I don't understand why I was so ready to leave. Why I didn't realize that once I got here, I would be surrounded by change in every form imaginable; wardrobe, diet, housing, friends, family, elevation, distance, trends, ethnicities, weather, schedule -- you name it, it changed. I was too busy focusing on the excitement of moving here to realize that all of the change would be undoubtedly overwhelming and extremely difficult for me to handle. And it has proven to be just that over the past two months.

I miss home. I miss having a place to call my own, being surrounded by people that know me -- REALLY know me. No one here knows me like my best friends from home do. And I know that's it's been only two months and there hasn't been time to develop that kind of relationship yet, but I guess I assumed that I would move to Missouri and instantly feel this warm sense of belonging that would stick with me for the next four years. But that's not at all what I've found. I've found a cold sense of isolation that haunts me some days. Don't get me wrong; I have many, many great days here. Days where I laugh until I cry, days where I bond with my floor mates, days where you couldn't wipe the smile off of my face no matter how hard you tried. But those days have begun to be outnumbered by darker days. Days full of tears, sadness, loneliness, guilt, and uncertainty. Is Mizzou right for me? Is there a reason for me being here? Am I wasting money attending an expensive school 500+ miles away from home? Is journalism my true calling? What am I doing with my life?

Throughout high school, I struggled with the idea of purpose. I fought my way up the chain of the Richland High School marching band to get a leadership spot my senior year. But freshman through junior year, I was just one of 250 other members. I didn't lead. I wasn't in other organizations. I didn't play sports. I was an average high school student whose life revolved around academics and band rehearsal. Senior year, I was given the title of drum captain and pit captain and I was elated to finally feel needed. I planned and organized numerous details, watched over the 45 members of the percussion cluster, and worked my tail off to make our section the best it could be. Now that I'm out of high school, now that my position has been given to someone else, now that I no longer serve a purpose to a large community of people, I have lost my sense of belonging. Here at Mizzou, I'm not in any organizations. I don't lead anything. I don't play a crucial role in any sort of student function. That privilege was something I cherished last year and I miss it dearly. I miss belonging to someone, to a group, and feeling needed. I know that as a freshman in college there aren't many opportunities to lead right off the bat -- heck, I haven't even joined any organizations yet. I realize that you can't expect to feel purposeful if you don't put yourself in the situation to obtain said purpose. I guess I'm just scared to put myself out there; honestly, I want the reward without the work. That's my laziness kicking in and I fully understand that the fault lies on me. There are just so many things to focus on here that I have yet to find my perfect balance. I hope that I do soon.

Every day, I'm bombarded with an emotional wave of gratefulness and guilt, of belonging and loneliness and fortune and struggle. So many mixed feelings that don't make sense in my head. And the only way they ever come out is in frustration and sadness. I appreciate the good days more now that they're less frequent. I have made wonderful friends here who love me and care for me, and I will never regret knowing any of them. I have made priceless memories here with my floor mates; deltaGAF, getting "chose," community standards, everything with an "h." Nights of laughter and smiles and good times. Those are the times that I cherish. Contrastly, the days where I think of home every minute are much more dramatic, very dark and very emotional. I miss my home. My real home. Mizzou isn't my home -- at least not yet.

I went on Fall Retreat last weekend with a youth group that meets at Mizzou called Veritas. It runs through The Crossing church, which is where I attend service on Sunday mornings. We had a series of sermons on struggles, friendship, and a desire to feel "wanted" -- each of which I have battled with at some point since I moved here. The entire retreat was a wake up call to me, but I've failed to keep the lessons I learned on my mind throughout the week. The teachings really hit home and I felt renewed when we came back to campus Sunday afternoon. I really did get the sense that God put me on that Retreat with all of those wonderful, Christ-loving people for a reason. I actually felt at home while we were away; the youth group was welcoming and vulnerable and allowed me to be myself despite my lack of familiarity with the majority of the people there. Veritas is a wonderful blessing that I have found here at Mizzou. It's one of my most prized possessions and I have met numerous inspirational people through it, including Leisha, Bethany, and Laura. I love them so much already and am so excited for where the opportunities that I have found through Veritas and the Crossing allow me to go in the future.

At retreat, there was a sermon on struggle and how the Lord uses the obstacles we overcome in our lives to glorify Him and spread the Word of the Kingdom to others. What if the struggles I'm encountering now are meant to help me help someone else gain strength sometime down the road? What if my main purpose here, on campus at Mizzou, with the friends I've made and the people I've encountered, is to spread a sense of hope? That light DOES come, joy DOES prevail, darkness DOES NOT win? Despite it all, I know that I am strong. I know that I can do this. I know that things will get better, regardless of how dark it may seem right now. I often fail to realize that God is there with me through my struggle. Every second of every minute of every day. That is one of my biggest struggles in itself -- feeling alone at times that I'm really surrounded by an unfailing, everlasting love. Psalm 30:5 tells us: "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." No matter how dark the nights get, the mornings are joyful and new. I fail to recognize that God's love is everlasting, never-ceasing, and omnipresent. HE is always there. HE is always loving. HE is always watching over me. I am never truly alone -- I am only deceived into believing so. Deep down, I know that there is a purpose for me being here. The journey to earn a spot here at Mizzou was a tough one but God prevailed and here I am. Here I am for a reason. Though it may be unknown to me right now, the reason will reveal itself eventually. I just have to be patient.

The other night was an emotional one, and my good friend from home posted this song on my Facebook page to remind me of the support I have. Thank you, Blane, for reminding me that the future is bright despite the darkness that surrounds me sometimes.

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

I know that I will be home soon.