Confession #10: I'll be waiting.

To my husband...

I prayed for you today. I know I promised myself that I would pray for you every day, beginning several months ago, but I failed to start. I never knew how to begin...where to begin. What to ask for, how to talk to God about you. It's silly to think that I was embarrassed about all of it. About how much love I have for you already, about how much I have planned for our future, about the names I have picked out for the children that I hope we bring into this world, about everything. It's silly to think that I was afraid of bringing the idea of you to Him, of laying it all down at His feet. I think I was afraid of letting go of control and allowing God to have His way with our future. I just wanted it to be us, ya know? For life to happen as it may, for us to meet and fall in love, to have Lillia and Cadance and Tobin and Elijah, to have a great family. The surface of my mind was always clouded with the doubt of God's ability to handle it. What a silly thought...doubting Him like that. After all, He knows you and He knows me. He knows "us" better than we ever will. He's the one that has handled each of us individually for the past 19+ years, and he'll begin to handle us together when He's ready. When we're ready.

Last night was hard. I got into bed, just like any other night, but this insane wave of emotion rushed over my body and I started sobbing and praying to God about how scared I was for the future, and I started writing this letter to you and our children and everything just felt so real. I wish you could've been there to comfort me. I've been feeling somewhat melancholy in general lately, and I think it's just a compilation of a bunch of little things starting to weigh heavily on my psyche. Sometimes I wonder where you are, who you're with, and what you're doing. I wonder if you think about me when your mind wanders. I wonder if you pray for me, too, and if you love the Lord like I do. I wonder how we'll meet, and if you'll make me nervous. I wonder if you'll be impressed by me and if we'll act silly together. I wonder what it will feel like to have butterflies again. But most of all, I wonder how you'll love someone like me.

Even though I'm surrounded by friends that love me and cherish me every day, I can't help but feel lonely. Some of my closest friends are moving right along in this department, and here I am -- the only one that really wants to get married, that really wants to be a mommy, that really could care less about college or a degree or a career so long as I have a family -- and I can't seem to do anything right.  I'm definitely aware of my lack of experience in the love department and I always worry that I'm going to disappoint you, so I try to make up for it in any way that I can. Nearly every single decision I make revolves around our family. I don't support the consumption of alcohol or drugs or sex because I want to be the best person I can be. For you. And for Lillia. And Cadence, and Tobin, and Elijah. I want to be healthy so that we can lead our children into a healthy lifestyle and prolong their lifespan to the best of our abilities. I want to grow spiritually so that you can depend on me. I want to love the Lord so that I can learn how to properly love you. I want to be your rock in times of struggle, your refuge in times of need. I want us to work together and lean on Him in every way. They say a family that prays together stays together, and I know that we can live that out if we work at it.

I am so excited to have children. To start a family, to get our lives going. Most of my friends think the idea of being pregnant is not at all appealing, but I will be elated when we find out we're having our first little one. To be honest, a part of me worries that God may have other plans for us. I know this is extremely far fetched, but what if I can't have kids? What if my body won't allow me to? What if I have miscarriages? What if I can't get pregnant? Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to adoption. I've recently seen a spark of light in me that is actually drawn to it. I've always seen adoption as an amazing thing to pursue, but I never thought I would be strong enough. But I'm beginning to rethink that now. Would you want to adopt? I want to be pregnant and have the experience of bringing someone into the world myself, but maybe we can adopt as well. Just one. Or two, or three, or five -- whatever the Lord calls us to do, we'll do it. If it's in His cards for us, we will lean on Him for guidance.

I carry you, our children, and each of our own families on my heart every single day. My children...our children...they haven't even been conceived and I worry for their safety. I worry for your safety and I haven't even met you. I'm sure by now you've sensed that I'm a worry wart....Tess even agreed that I was last night when I texted her. (She's my best friend -- you'll meet her someday, I'm sure of it.) I like to think that all of the worry is my brain's way of extending the rhythm of compassion my heart beats to. I hope that you love that part of me -- the compassionate part. I think our marriage is going to be a passionate one, mentally and spiritually and emotionally. I think passionate people are beautiful people. I hope you're beautiful in that way.

I just want you to know that I am trying my absolute hardest to be my best self. I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman for you...clothed in dignity and strength, laughing without fear of the future. And I hope that you're hard at work too, becoming the man that God made you to be and building a strong spiritual foundation for our family. I will love you with everything that I have, following the image of the One who loves us.


I'll see you soon, dear. I love you.
xoxo

Confession #9: Your grace is enough.

On December 4, I applied to be a spring 2013 columnist for Mizzou's student-run newspaper The Maneater. I was confident in my application -- the answers I provided, my two sample columns, and the link to this very blog which I was sure would catch attention. I was really hopeful to see where the columnist position could take me and what sort of voice I could bring to campus.

On January 18, I received the following email from one of the paper's staff members:

Dear Alix,

On behalf of The Maneater editorial board, I'd like to thank you again for applying for a Spring 2013 column. I was very impressed. Your application and blog reflected thoughtfulness, knowledge, and strong communication skills. However, the editorial board has decided not to select you for a column this semester. 

We hope that you continue to pursue your talents in persuasive writing and spreading your message, and urge you to apply next fall if you are so inclined. Have a great semester!

My heart dropped instantly. I was so ready to begin working on my portfolio, to write columns that could be used as clips for later applications, to gain some sort of entrance into the journalistic world to which I am still a complete stranger. I was eager to get my words out into the public forum. I wanted to speak, and I wanted people to listen. When I first emailed my application, I was sure that I had a fair chance at getting the position. I had heard countless times from many of my peers and professors that I was a great writer with wisdom, talent, and a real future. And I truly thought that this column was my one-way ticket into a completely new environment. I felt entitled, worthy, and sure of myself for the first time in months.

Over the past few days, I've found myself moping around with the belief that a position I deserved had been taken away from me. Stolen from me, even, by people who failed to see my true potential. I was angry and frustrated and sickened by the lack of recognition my application received. I felt deserving of the position and was extremely bitter about the outcome. In my mind, the column had been mine to claim all along. But that was not the reality. That feeling of entitlement was completely toxic -- but nothing new. In past years, it has crept into every aspect of my life, wriggled its way into the shadowed corners of my soul, and turned my world inside out. Believing that I deserve everything I ever want is exhausting and continually disappointing. The world does not revolve around me. The human race does not bow down at my feet. I am not supreme. In reality, everyone does not get everything on their wish list. Those who attain such pleasure are usually plagued by minds that are off-centered, clouded, and confused. Idolizing success is just as sinful as idolizing any other god.

The Oxford Dictionary entry for "entitled" is as follows:

• 1 (often be entitled to) give (someone) a legal right or a just claim to receive or do something:employees are normally entitled to redundancy pay

To me, entitlement is an emotion created by the human race. An emotion of greed, desire, and a self-centered lifestyle that takes over our minds and hearts on an almost daily basis. Who ever said that we have a right to all of the blessings that are bestowed onto us in this lifetime -- a right so critical that it is viewed as legal? A claim of ownership that stems from disillusion and possessive tendencies? Walking through life every day with a mind of entitlement leads to disaster. We are reminded in Proverbs 19:21 that our own plans are of very little importance: "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails." God's plan is bigger and better than anything that we could ever imagine. Whatever you believe you are entitled to, whatever I believe I deserve, whatever we believe we have earned, is irrelevant in the eyes of the Lord. He generously blesses each and every one of us in ways we can't even begin to understand. There is no shame in hard-work and determination; they can be crucial aspects of progress and success. It is when this driven attitude morphs into greedy privilege that the true trouble begins. Entitlement is powerful. It is not yielding to take over, it is not hesitant to rule. It swiftly fills in the gaps of our hearts and clouds our minds. We must instead focus on the grace of God to develop true understanding. Grace is the single most important thing that we receive without deserving. We have done nothing to earn God's grace, but He gives it to us regardless. Sin forgiven, we are cleansed. He pardons our mistakes and blesses us abundantly every day.

One of the worst parts of this entire scenario is the fact that I completely ignored the actual praise I was given in that email. I was deemed impressive, thoughtful, and knowledgable. The editorial board didn't dislike my blog. They weren't disgusted by my writing style. They didn't fail to understand my message or believe in my talent. The compliments I did receive were small blessings which gave me a sense of happiness that I failed to notice in the first place. My belief that the position was mine from the get-go was a result of greed and insecurity. It's probable that the "big prize" I so desperately wanted was given to a writer of equal or higher talent. Every single one of the applicants worked hard to get the application done on time, display the best of their creativity, and promote a message they sought to expand on. Just because I didn't get the position I wanted doesn't mean the person who did was of less merit. Being a spring 2013 columnist for The Maneater wasn't in the deck for me, but it was a card played by God for someone else. Each of our decks differs in time, place, and circumstance; though the timing may seem off to us, every card is perfected by Him. Worry has no place in the eyes of the Lord; He has "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11).

My advice? Monitor your heart, your mind, and your spirit. Watch the words you say, the thoughts you think, the emotions you feel. Stray from greed and focus on His grace. The rest will fall into place.

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." -- Ephesians 3:20-21

Confession #8: I am rabbit-hearted.

Sometimes I am utterly stunned by how tender my heart can be. How emotional I get, how heavy a toll life's softest blows can have on my well-being, how hard it is for me to let go of the people and factors of my life that I grasp onto with my whole heart. I've been advised to take a more reasonable approach and think with my head, but I can't resist following my heart. I always have and I like to think that I always will. I don't care for logical thinking, I don't favor practicality, and I don't see a sensibility in going through life with a view so black and white. I immerse myself in the 'what if' -- the grey area that slips between the cracks, the hopeful and sincere thought of the possibilities of life. The good, the bad, the heartfelt. Over the past two months, I've come to the somewhat shocking realization that I am not as tough as I have always believed.

Throughout middle school, I was not a pleasant person. I don't really remember why or how I got to be so cold, but the friends who have stuck by my side for the past nearly 8 years serve as a daily reminder that I am blessed to have eventually grown out of that persona. Even in high school, I was known as the girl with thick skin. The girl with a quick mind, who could take it from you and dish it right back. The girl whose fuse was easily lit but slow to burn out. I've experienced numerous things throughout the past 19 years that I would never wish on a person. Familial challenges, heartbreak, uncertainty, and emotional damage that I've worked to (at least begin to) repair. But I've come out on the other end a much happier person. When you get down to it, life truly is beautiful. It's so repetitive yet so spontaneous. So permanent yet so fleeting. So challenging but so immensely inspiring that it's virtually impossible for me to maintain a bad mood for anything more than a few hours.

It has recently come to my attention, though, that my heart is much more tender than I thought. Since I moved to Missouri, I have had to quickly educate myself on the how-to's of adulthood. Living 11 hours away from everything I've ever known, attempting to reinvent myself to a group of people who thankfully cannot use any irrelevant factors of my previous life in Texas to my disadvantage, paying my own way through daily life, maintaining a job while going to school full-time and keeping a 4.0, making independent decisions with consequences that fall on my shoulders and my shoulders only. It's been a crazy, amazing, fulfilling ride, and I still have 3 years left. In such a short amount of time, I've already learned that rejection's sting can be just as permanent even if the journey is crammed into a shorter period. I've learned how college changes people, regardless of the amount of love you attempt to pour into them day by day. I've learned that ignorance is not bliss in most circumstances, but rather power lies in knowledge and understanding. I've learned the insufficiency of second chances in the hands of those who are repetitively disappointing. I've learned that a focus on short-term fulfillment leads to a road of long-term solidarity. I've learned the importance of community, both in the friend and family sense. Most importantly, I've learned that the only being in this entire world that will ever treat me the way I deserve to be treated 100% of the time, make me feel adored and appreciated every single day, and stand by my side no matter the circumstance, is my Lord. He is so good in every way possible. I have yet to find a man at Mizzou whose spiritual life is strong enough to spark my interest, but I hope to soon. Rejection wears heavily on my heart, and I'm doing my best to pour myself into Him so that He will show me His plans for my future in whatever means necessary.

So, despite the advice of my peers, I wear my heart on my sleeve every day. I'm often told that I'm simply sending out invitations for disappointment, but I refuse to hide such an honest part of myself that is so naive and delicate. There are many days where my heart is heavier than I would like to admit. It's scary to be so open with people, but I believe that our hearts are meant to be put on display. The heart is the sole pump of life throughout our anatomy. Without it, we would not exist. We would be cold, lifeless, and irrelevant. Such a noble organ with such a crucial duty shouldn't be hidden.

Life is a risk. It's scary and thrilling and one giant leap of faith. So put it all out there. Lay it all down. Show the world what you're made of. You'll get hurt in the process, I promise you that. But one day, maybe even in the smallest way, you'll realize that it was all worth it. That all of the disappointment and all of the despair and all of the departure and all of the devastation was completely worth your while.

I'm not gonna worry
I know that You've got me
Right inside the palm of Your hand

Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just the way You planned

Confession #7: I need you to need me.

All in all, things have gotten significantly better since I last blogged. Mizzou has started to feel like home. I've made even more wonderful friends who are amazing, Godly role models to me every day, and I've created so many memories that I will never forget. College really is some of the best years of your life -- but they're also the toughest.

In the midst of all of the joy that has surrounded me in the past few weeks, I of course continue to struggle with issues that have surfaced in my mind. Today I came to a heavy -- and somewhat distressing -- realization: I rely solely on acceptance and validation from others to define my beauty, worth, and purpose. This idea isn't new to me, as I've dealt with it since middle school as most adolescents do. But the feeling has yet to wear off and lately it's become a serious problem in the way that I build relationships with new friends.

It's no secret that I love the idea of marriage and motherhood. I've blogged about it before, so that's available as a reference. But lately the idea has been present in nearly all of my thoughts -- considering girl friendships in relation to bridesmaids, considering location in relation to where my future home will be, considering boy friendships in relation to possible husbands, everything. It gets in the way of every detail of my life and I'm really sick of the worrying. The nagging, the constant feelings of inadequacy and unimportance that stir within me when one of my beautiful blonde friends gets male attention for the umpteenth time, the worry that my haircut makes me loose any femininity I may have, the idea that I would be prettier if I was just a little bit thinner and an inch or two shorter, the burden that my personality has yet to grow and develop since seventh grade and I still come off as a hateful, spiteful person, the dismay that comes with feeling like I am not good enough. I am continually plagued with the fear that I will never receive the validation, love, and comfort I so desperately desire from other people.

Tonight, as I walked around my room and cleaned up a bit after dinner, I laid this burden down on the Lord. I cried and sobbed and spoke to him for a solid 30 minutes, confessing my fears and weaknesses and struggles. I had a revealing heart-to-heart with the one man who can help set me straight -- the one man that will love me unconditionally, faithfully, unfailingly, eternally. The one man who will never once let me down.

Honestly, I don't have many moments like that -- moments where I completely and whole-heartedly open my soul to the Lord and pour out to Him. Moments where I don't attempt to hide behind my hard-shell exterior in an effort to come off unbroken and unwavering. Moments where I allow the Lord to stir my heart for Him and no one else.

The Bible is full of verses that explain God's love for us, but there are three key points outlined in the books of Psalm, Matthew, and Galatians that provide me with the first steps in dealing with my struggle to understand that the only person in this world who will ever be able to fill my heart with a sense of completion and purpose is the Lord.

1. My creation was thought out in such a marvelous manner that I will never truly understand the depth of love my God has for me.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
- Psalm 139:13-16

2. God does not care for the material possessions of this world, for we are not of this world.

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
- Matthew 6:19-21

3. The favor of God far outweighs the favor of man -- and it is impossible to devote myself to both whole-heartedly.

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."
- Galatians 1:10

The abilities of our God are unfathomable. If we reflect on the power He has in this world, how can we doubt the power He has in us? Trust in Him and we will find freedom. I must trust in Him to find my freedom.

After I wiped my tears, cleaned my glasses, and resumed homework on my computer, I felt a sense of peace. I opened Spotify and clicked on my "Jesus" playlist, as I often do in times of weakness and emotional vulnerability. Kari Jobe sang words into my mind that calmed my soul and reassured me that the Lord holds every answer I crave. Every validation I desire. Every acceptance I need. Every confirmation I could ever imagine.

Trouble's chasing me again

Breaking down my best defense

I'm looking

God, I'm looking for You

Weary, just won't let me rest

Fear is filling up my head

I'm longing

God, I'm longing for You

I will find You in the place I'm in

Find You when I'm at my end

Find You when there's nothing left of me

To offer you except for brokenness

You lift me up

You never leave me thirsty

When I am weak

When I am lost and searching

I'll find You on my knees

So what if sorrow shakes my faith?

And what if heartache still remains?

I'll trust You

My God, I'll trust You

'Cause You are faithful

And I will find You in the place I'm in

Find You when I'm at my end

Find You when there's nothing left of me

To offer you except for brokenness 

You lift me up

You never leave me thirsty

When I am weak

When I am lost and searching

I'll find You on my knees

When my hope is gone

When the fear is strong

When the pain is real

When it's hard to heal

When my faith is shaking

And my heart is broken

And my joy is stolen

God, I know that

You lift me up

You never leave me thirsty

Find You in the place I'm in

Find You when I'm at my end

Find You when there's nothing left of me

To offer you except for brokenness 

You lift me up

You never leave me thirsty

When I am weak

When I am lost and searching

I'll find You on my knees

If I want others to love me, I must first acknowledge that my Father loves me.

And His love is all that I need.

Confession #6: Darkness is deception.

Two months later and I'm finally back. So much has happened since I blogged last, but I'll try to cover the basics in this post. I've moved to Missouri, made wonderful friends, taken my first round of college exams, had my heart broken, cried myself to sleep, invented a fake fraternity, sprained my thumb, joined a youth group, had two paychecks, and learned an immense amount about myself.

First off, and most importantly, let's get one thing straight:

Moving out is the best and worst experience of my life thus far.

On August 1st, I was so ready to get out of Texas. To get away from home, to start a new life, to take a step in the direction of my future. All I could focus on was Mizzou, freedom, and a new beginning. Looking back on it, I honestly have no idea what I was thinking. I am one of the biggest adversaries to the idea of change. Ask anyone that knows me -- I don't like change. I never have and I don't know if I ever will. I prefer to keep in a routine, to stay where I'm familiar, to remain comfortable in a setting that I have grown accustomed to. Knowing that about myself, I don't understand why I was so ready to leave. Why I didn't realize that once I got here, I would be surrounded by change in every form imaginable; wardrobe, diet, housing, friends, family, elevation, distance, trends, ethnicities, weather, schedule -- you name it, it changed. I was too busy focusing on the excitement of moving here to realize that all of the change would be undoubtedly overwhelming and extremely difficult for me to handle. And it has proven to be just that over the past two months.

I miss home. I miss having a place to call my own, being surrounded by people that know me -- REALLY know me. No one here knows me like my best friends from home do. And I know that's it's been only two months and there hasn't been time to develop that kind of relationship yet, but I guess I assumed that I would move to Missouri and instantly feel this warm sense of belonging that would stick with me for the next four years. But that's not at all what I've found. I've found a cold sense of isolation that haunts me some days. Don't get me wrong; I have many, many great days here. Days where I laugh until I cry, days where I bond with my floor mates, days where you couldn't wipe the smile off of my face no matter how hard you tried. But those days have begun to be outnumbered by darker days. Days full of tears, sadness, loneliness, guilt, and uncertainty. Is Mizzou right for me? Is there a reason for me being here? Am I wasting money attending an expensive school 500+ miles away from home? Is journalism my true calling? What am I doing with my life?

Throughout high school, I struggled with the idea of purpose. I fought my way up the chain of the Richland High School marching band to get a leadership spot my senior year. But freshman through junior year, I was just one of 250 other members. I didn't lead. I wasn't in other organizations. I didn't play sports. I was an average high school student whose life revolved around academics and band rehearsal. Senior year, I was given the title of drum captain and pit captain and I was elated to finally feel needed. I planned and organized numerous details, watched over the 45 members of the percussion cluster, and worked my tail off to make our section the best it could be. Now that I'm out of high school, now that my position has been given to someone else, now that I no longer serve a purpose to a large community of people, I have lost my sense of belonging. Here at Mizzou, I'm not in any organizations. I don't lead anything. I don't play a crucial role in any sort of student function. That privilege was something I cherished last year and I miss it dearly. I miss belonging to someone, to a group, and feeling needed. I know that as a freshman in college there aren't many opportunities to lead right off the bat -- heck, I haven't even joined any organizations yet. I realize that you can't expect to feel purposeful if you don't put yourself in the situation to obtain said purpose. I guess I'm just scared to put myself out there; honestly, I want the reward without the work. That's my laziness kicking in and I fully understand that the fault lies on me. There are just so many things to focus on here that I have yet to find my perfect balance. I hope that I do soon.

Every day, I'm bombarded with an emotional wave of gratefulness and guilt, of belonging and loneliness and fortune and struggle. So many mixed feelings that don't make sense in my head. And the only way they ever come out is in frustration and sadness. I appreciate the good days more now that they're less frequent. I have made wonderful friends here who love me and care for me, and I will never regret knowing any of them. I have made priceless memories here with my floor mates; deltaGAF, getting "chose," community standards, everything with an "h." Nights of laughter and smiles and good times. Those are the times that I cherish. Contrastly, the days where I think of home every minute are much more dramatic, very dark and very emotional. I miss my home. My real home. Mizzou isn't my home -- at least not yet.

I went on Fall Retreat last weekend with a youth group that meets at Mizzou called Veritas. It runs through The Crossing church, which is where I attend service on Sunday mornings. We had a series of sermons on struggles, friendship, and a desire to feel "wanted" -- each of which I have battled with at some point since I moved here. The entire retreat was a wake up call to me, but I've failed to keep the lessons I learned on my mind throughout the week. The teachings really hit home and I felt renewed when we came back to campus Sunday afternoon. I really did get the sense that God put me on that Retreat with all of those wonderful, Christ-loving people for a reason. I actually felt at home while we were away; the youth group was welcoming and vulnerable and allowed me to be myself despite my lack of familiarity with the majority of the people there. Veritas is a wonderful blessing that I have found here at Mizzou. It's one of my most prized possessions and I have met numerous inspirational people through it, including Leisha, Bethany, and Laura. I love them so much already and am so excited for where the opportunities that I have found through Veritas and the Crossing allow me to go in the future.

At retreat, there was a sermon on struggle and how the Lord uses the obstacles we overcome in our lives to glorify Him and spread the Word of the Kingdom to others. What if the struggles I'm encountering now are meant to help me help someone else gain strength sometime down the road? What if my main purpose here, on campus at Mizzou, with the friends I've made and the people I've encountered, is to spread a sense of hope? That light DOES come, joy DOES prevail, darkness DOES NOT win? Despite it all, I know that I am strong. I know that I can do this. I know that things will get better, regardless of how dark it may seem right now. I often fail to realize that God is there with me through my struggle. Every second of every minute of every day. That is one of my biggest struggles in itself -- feeling alone at times that I'm really surrounded by an unfailing, everlasting love. Psalm 30:5 tells us: "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." No matter how dark the nights get, the mornings are joyful and new. I fail to recognize that God's love is everlasting, never-ceasing, and omnipresent. HE is always there. HE is always loving. HE is always watching over me. I am never truly alone -- I am only deceived into believing so. Deep down, I know that there is a purpose for me being here. The journey to earn a spot here at Mizzou was a tough one but God prevailed and here I am. Here I am for a reason. Though it may be unknown to me right now, the reason will reveal itself eventually. I just have to be patient.

The other night was an emotional one, and my good friend from home posted this song on my Facebook page to remind me of the support I have. Thank you, Blane, for reminding me that the future is bright despite the darkness that surrounds me sometimes.

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

I know that I will be home soon.

Confession #5: Love is all you need.

First off, I want to apologize for my lack of blogging lately. I meant to blog the last two weekends and I kept forgetting or putting it off because I felt uninspired. Frankly, I don't write well when I just sit and make myself do it. It's always best if I'm sparked with an idea, a passion, a memory -- something to build on and indulge myself in. Today I felt the spark and now I'm here, writing this post for all of you.

Over the past few weeks -- well, to be honest, over the past year or so -- I have been burdened by the idea of love. There are so many forms of love in this world, and as a teenage girl going through her senior year in high school, I was forced to think about my future. College. Relationships. Careers. Marriage. Children. The love I will soon find for a boy (well, hopefully a man). The love I will soon build for a child. So much coming at me so fast. This whole "growing up" thing is starting to catch up to me. Ever since I was a little girl, I've dreamt of finding my prince charming. Disney movies and fairy tale books set me up with the image of a perfect man, a soulmate, a human built for me, to fit perfectly in all of the spaces that I lack substance, to make up for my faults and love me for my weaknesses. But now, as an 18 year old young woman, I think more and more about meeting the one.

Quick pause here - - I will attempt to keep this blog on track with the religious message I'm aiming to eventually get to, but I am full of teen angst and if it rears its head at some point, I apologize in advance.

Moving on.

So let's get real for a minute. My so-called love life has been anything but lovely. Over the past 18 years, I have had two or three serious crushes and only one that actually went somewhere. We never dated officially and the flame was blown out after about three months. That was the fall of 2009. Not much has happened since. Because of this, you could say that I desperately lack in the experience portion of your "teen years" but that is definitely something I am not ashamed of. I'm not sure if I have stated this before in a previous post, but I pledged to be abstinent until marriage a long time ago and plan to remain pure until I am starting a family with the man I love. The Bible tells us in 1 Thessalonians 4:3, "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immortality." There are many other references in the Bible that ward us away from this sin, yet much of today's youth engages in pre-marital sex on a regular basis. In Romans 12:2, the Bible warns us, "Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you." In today's society, sex is a social activity practiced by kids who have barely even hit puberty. By the time most people are in there twenties, they've had numerous partners. Although I do base my belief in abstinence on the Bible, I would still promote the same ideas without religion. Sex is an intense experience that is meant to be shared between a man and a wife once they are fully, 100%, without-a-doubt committed to each other in the bind of marriage. That being said, ideas like that can't be followed through without a belief in marriage as permanent and everlasting -- no divorce. But let's not get me started on a tangent; the divorce topic could be an entirely different post but I won't get into that now. The point is, having pre-marital sex is something I hold no interest in. Females are passionate creatures and I know for a fact that if I were to go against my vow, I would end up getting hurt and regret my decisions later. It is no secret to any of my friends that I am an emotional person - I wear my heart on my sleeve 24/7. This vulnerability is often a blessing but it's hard to deal with as I step out of teenage-dom and into adulthood.

Despite my stance on abstinence, I crave admiration. I am a complete sucker for sweet southern boys and their irresistible charm. It causes me immense heart ache at times, but I can't help it. Every day I find myself hungry for love. For companionship. For friendship. I feed off of affection from other people, whether it be friendly, spiritual, or romantic. I can't hide it; I'm in love with love. I see nothing more important than reminding those around you how much you truly appreciate them. How much you love and cherish their companionship. I adore being cherished and it is a blessing that I attempt to give to other people on a daily basis. I'm that girl that hugs often, greets you with excitement every time I see you, yells your name as if we've reunited after decades, and continually says "I love you." It's one of my phrases and I tend to use it more than I mean to. I put my whole heart into every relationship I have. The only problem with doing so comes when the action is not returned. I give my all and receive less than enough, tugging at my emotions and leaving me in a wreck of confusion. At this point, I'm fearful of putting myself out there for other people to take advantage of. Nevertheless, I believe in love, passion, emotion, joy, and excitement. These are values that I hope to find in a husband down the road and instill in my family for generations to come. Of course, 1 Corinthians 13 comes to mind. One of my favorite chapters of the Bible. It's verses like these that give me hope for the future.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 states: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Look at that. Read it. Soak it in. Look at all of the things that love always is. Look at all of the characteristics love always entails -- forgiveness, patience, selflessness, kindness, fairness, and faithfulness. One little four letter word has so much power. If we allow it to, love can bless us.

Backing up to the beginning of the chapter, verses 1-3 boast of the importance of love: "If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing."

This verse displays one of the fundamentals points in my philosophy of life. Despite intelligence, understanding, and philanthropy, we are NOTHING without the commitment of love. Jesus tells us to love our neighbors as He has loved us -- a love that is so out of this world in magnitude and strength. If we go through life failing to recognize love, what have we accomplished? Nothing. One of the most well-known Bible verses, John 3:16, tells us "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." God set the example and we are designed follow it. This ideal is also seen in marriage, as we are told to lay down our lives for our spouse. Unconditionally. For better or for worse. For sicker or for poorer. Whatever this world throws at us, God is there every step of the way to guide our path. Whatever this world throws at my husband, I will be there to walk alongside him, and I can only pray that he will do the same.

Confession #4: To fear the Lord is fearless.

Lately I've been pondering the idea of "fearing the Lord" -- what it truly means and why we are called to live in this fear. When you're a young child, whether in the physical sense or in terms of your spiritual journey, it seems daunting. The Bible repeatedly tells of us God's power and control as we are warned to fear Him. Leviticus 25:17 warns us, "Do not take advantage of each other, but fear your God. I am the Lord your God." We are reminded again and again that the Lord is our God, the One through whom all blessings flow. Although I've learned about this idea since I was in elementary school, it still baffles me on a daily basis. When I think of the power of God, I am amazed and in awe at His ability to guide a world like this through the darkness. My first instinct is not to fear the Lord but instead see Him as a companion in my corner. I am slowly starting to realize that these two ideas do not contradict each other but instead work together, as the Bible tells us, for our good. In Deuteronomy 5:29 the Lord says to Moses, "Oh, that their hearts would be inclined to fear me and keep all my commands always, so that it might go well with them and their children forever!" That verse taught me something tonight: we are called to fear the Lord in order to bestow blessings on our lives. And not just the lives of our friends and family, but our own children -- and their children -- and our children's children -- and every generation to come. What we do right now, on July 16, 2012, will affect those who live to see July 16, 2500. It may be hard to grasp that concept, but it's an honest philosophy that is promoted throughout the Lord's word. Instead of seeing God's command to fear Him as a boastful threat to our own safety, we must begin to understand His plan for our lives as we are led down a winding path of trials and tribulations in order to come out victorious. The Lord is with us every day -- after all, this is the day that the Lord has made. And although everything doesn't always work out for our good in every moment, it eventually does. That is a validation of the power He has over our lives. This sense of control is designed to comfort us into a sense of hope for the future, not terrorize us over the trials of today. Both Deuteronomy 10:20 and Joshua 24:14 remind us to fear the Lord and serve Him. These ideas go hand in hand; in order to fully serve the Lord our God with everything we have in everything we do, we must fear Him. Without fear, we cannot serve. Without the Lord, we cannot live.

As I learned more about fearing the Lord, I was brought to Proverbs 31. This is one of my favorite chapters of the Bible as it teaches us about The Wife of Noble Character.

Proverbs 31:10-31 states:

A wife of noble character who can find? 
    She is worth far more than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value. 
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.
¹³ She selects wool and flax
    and works with eager hands. 
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
    her arms are strong for her tasks.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
    and her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
    and extends her hands to the needy. 
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
    for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
²² She makes coverings for her bed;
    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
    and supplies the merchants with sashes.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

As I transition from the life of a high school teenage girl to a collegiate young woman, I know that I will struggle to keep God on my mind at every moment, as I should. After all, college is deemed the temptation of all temptations. Over the past 18 years, I have managed to avoid the evil temptations that loom over the youth of this generation. I have never tasted alcohol, been offered a drug, or indulged in lust. Though some times have been more challenging than others, I have surrounded myself with a core group of friends who love the Lord and help me to remain abstinent and pure. I know that college will be a culture shock. Alcohol everywhere. Parties every day. Offer after offer. Temptation after temptation. But I also know the strength that I have and my ability to stand up to such influences. I've pledged to myself and the Lord to spend the next four years of my life prepping for my role as a wife -- hopefully one of noble character. Proverbs 31 serves as my outline, a pseudo checklist of tasks and preparations to be made before anyone puts a ring on it. When I read it, I realize that I have a whole heck of a lot to work on if I want to live the life that God has called me to live. And of course I do. I want nothing more than to become a wonderful spouse to a Godly man who aids me in raising our sweet children - Tobin, Ely, Lillia, and Haylin. Sure, a passion-filled career and steady paycheck wouldn't hurt. But all I've ever wanted is to be a wife and a mother. I find those roles to be the most beautiful yet testing experiences a woman will ever have. To stick with someone through thick and then, 'til death do us part. To teach an innocent being how to live in this not so innocent world before they are legally released to teach themselves. To age gracefully, to grow in the Lord, to be of noble character. So much beauty in the opportunities of a woman.

My favorite part of this chapter lies in verse 25, as God depicts a wife "clothed with strength and dignity." Clothed. The diction used in this passage strikes a chord with me. In contrast to Ephesians 6 where we are called to "put on the armor of God" in order to fight against the devil, Proverbs describes a wife clothed with dignity and strength. The connotation of the word paints such a beautiful and delicate picture in my mind. A woman so graceful, so poised, with a soul so brightly illuminating the love of the Lord that everyone around her can see it. But her garments are not stiff like armor. They do not intimidate or scare away those who walk past her. Instead she remains approachable. Gentle. Motherly. In my life, I have attempted to remain strong and dignified in every situation. But that sense of toughness often manifests itself into anger and hostility. I walk through life nearly every day with a shell of rigorous, temperamental armor on my chest. Durable, yes, but not sensible. Not comfortable. Not comforting. Not inviting. Not invoking. Sure, it comes in handy when dealing with the trickery of satan and his temptations, but there is no need for harshness like that when dealing with my brothers and sisters in the faith who are on my side. It often creates a wall that pushes others away and masks me as unapproachable. But not anymore. I'm ready to trade in my armor for a robe of strength and dignity. A magnificent, beautiful gown that draws the attention of those around me in order to lead them to the Lord and exemplify the numerous blessings He bestows on my life.

I want to challenge you today. I challenge you to fear the Lord. To cling to Him in times of trouble. To kneel at His feet and lay down your burden. I challenge you to live the life of a Proverbs 31 woman -- or man. To be a wife of noble character and walk with the Lord as a spouse and parent. To find a wife of noble character and cherish her until you take your last breath.

From this day forward, I pledge to put in the effort necessary to follow the guidelines set before me in the Lord's book. And I hope that you will do the same.