Confession #12: I've missed the mark.

This past Tuesday was a rough one. It was filled with a lot of truth, a lot of honesty, and a little too much talking. It came to my attention that a majority of the time, my mouth forms words that are judgmental and harsh. When I try to convey a certain message, it is often twisted and seen as hateful and hypocritical. I share my spiritual life with all of you, but some see it as bragging. I'm an open book when the Lord lays something on my heart, but some see it as being too vulnerable. I am straight-forward and sincere, but I'm a hypocrite.

It's no secret that I'm not an advocate of underage drinking. Or premarital sex. Or drug use of any kind. Or a lot of other things. I don't agree with that lifestyle and I believe it only leads to immense self-destruction down the line. I've seen it hurt my relatives, contribute to suicide attempts of those around me, and prolong depression rather than inspiring recuperation. I've seen it destroy families and creative genetic patterns that continue for decades. After seeing the pattern present in my own lineage, I promised myself I'd do whatever I could to counteract such methods of demolition.

Do I apologize for my views? No. But I apologize for the approach.

I try to stem from love in everything I do. Under the hard shell and thick skin, I am an extremely loving person. As you all know, I'm affectionate with my friends, a sappy romantic, and I keep my emotions on the surface. I have so much love to give, and I just want the best for everyone. I want everyone to follow Christ. I want this world to bounce back from how far it has fallen. I want people to follow the law, believe in marriage, and do things to better themselves, not perpetuate harm. I want everyone to understand what it's like to be content with your decisions and experience joy every single day. I want you to feel loved. Especially by Him.

Am I a perfect person? Far from it. Everyone sins, everyone falls, everyone strays. It's human nature; we were given free will as a means of choosing our own path, despite the road that God has already made for each of us. "With great power comes great responsibility." We can use this free will to live a life that tries its hardest to glorify the Lord, or we can make decisions that push us further and further away from His will. It's up to each individual to make that choice. I try every single day to be aware of my actions and their consequences, especially spiritually. But I make mistakes. I say mean things and let words slip and have a faulty filter. I have to cognitively make the choice to not spit poison left and right. Life isn't any easier for Christians. The sinful nature is still there. The remorse is still there. But the difference lies in the motivation -- I don't live to better my own endeavors. I live to better my relationship with Him.


I've made a lot of wrong turns in my 19 years of existence. And I have no doubt that I'll make hundreds more in the years to come. But the most important part of the story is the reversal. The u-turn back to Him. The recognition of the action's true meaning that does not align with the Word. Isaiah 59:2-3 says: "But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear. For your hands are stained with blood, your fingers with guilt. Your lips have spoken falsely, and your tongue mutters wicked things."Sin forces a wedge between us and the Lord. The literal definition of "sin" translates to "miss the mark" -- to make a decision that veers from His will, strays from His path, and claims ourselves as our own authority. I have my own perception of what is right and wrong, of what is spiritually aligned with God. But what does that matter? Do I have the final say it what sin is and what it isn't? No. And you don't either.


He does.
He already paid the price, cured the virus, killed the problem.
The debate was resolved over nearly 2,000 years ago.

What I'm trying to say is I'm sorry. I'm sorry for offending anyone and everyone. I'm sorry for being hypocritical and saying one thing while doing another. I'm sorry for sinning, for dishonoring the Lord, and for not achieving the perfection others hope for. I understand that passing judgment on those who live differently than I do is no the proper way to go about it. That method is definitely not a reflection of the life Jesus lived. He loves ever sinner, regardless of the magnitutde of their transgressions. He loves me despite my mistakes. I have to extend the same to others. I have that love in my heart, but it tends to come across as quite the opposite.

I'll work on the method, but the message remains.

"First, I thank my God through Jesus Christ for all of you, because your faith is being reported all over the world. God, whom I serve in my spirit in preaching the gospel of his Son, is my witness how constantly I remember you in my prayers at all times; and I pray that now at last by God’s will the way may be opened for me to come to you...For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes: first to the Jew, then to the Gentile. For in the gospel the righteousness of God is revealed—a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: “The righteous will live by faith."

-Romans 1:8-10, 16-17

Confession #11: I don't want to obey You.

Lately I've been trying my absolute hardest to give God control of my life and allow Him to direct my path in whatever way He sees fit. It seems silly to try to control the One who created every living thing that was, is, and will be. It seems ridiculous to attempt to gain control of a life that is predestined. It seems foolish to think you can outsmart a god who is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent. Yet every single day, I am desperate to take control of a life that isn't mine. I'm anxious and scared and terrified. And I can't seem to shake this "funk" of fear.

I don't want to obey You. I don't like the thought of giving it all up to You. I don't like the idea of not knowing what tomorrow holds. I don't like being oblivious to knowledge, to understanding. I want to be in control. I want to be the driver, and I want You to be a passenger. I try to fight the urge inside of me that tells me to ignore everything You say. To pave my own path, to try to matter to someone else, to try to make something of myself. I want to work hard and become skilled in my field and have an abundance of friends and never miss home and finally meet my husband and graduate and get a steady career and plan my wedding and start a family. I want everything to flow together seamlessly -- without interjection, without any surprises.

The truth is, this life is not mine. This life is a gift bestowed upon me by my Father, the only One who will never fail me. I'm not of this world, and all of the minuscule details of the life I imagine are irrelevant compared to the amazingly blessed path He has already made for me. I just have to let Him take control. I have to learn to stop trying to control everything, stop searching for my husband, stop stressing about the details. In a sense, I have to stop being me. I've always been a leader. I've always liked to take control of the situation and make the tough decisions. Today, right now, in this moment, I want to call the shots. I've always wanted to steer the boat and make it to land safely. But what is a boat without a sail? What good does a hollow shell do me without something to catch the wind? In this life, God is my wind. He designed my boat long before I ever came along. He gave me a beautiful beach, gorgeous sunsets, and soft sand. He blessed me with a hard shell, resistant to all of the storms and salt and exposure. He set me free at sea, free to navigate as I'd like to and make my own decisions about the ship's maintenance. If I take care of it, if I honor its creation and allow it to serve its purpose, if I let God's wind catch my sail and direct me toward Heaven's beaches, all is well. But in order for that to happen, I have to get my sail out there and allow it to react. If I try to make progress without it, I'll go absolutely nowhere. No matter what desperate attempts I make to get from point A to point B on the open water without that sail, I will forever be stuck. All of the fear, all of the desperation, all of the anxiety falls heavy on my heart and forms itself into a massive anchor tying me to the middle of the nowhere.

Maybe God's plan doesn't perfectly line up with mine. Maybe I want the Atlantic but instead he laid my boat gently on the open water of the Pacific. Maybe He has something in store for me that is insanely better than the plan I have in mind for myself. Something filled with more joy, more peace, and more understanding than I could ever gain on my own. All of the kicking and screaming I do now isn't helping the cause, but pushing me further and further from God's will in my life.

I cannot control everything. I cannot direct the wind and the rain and the water. All I can do is try my hardest to keep my boat in tip-top shape, set sail, and allow God's wind to take me where He has destined me to go.

Confession #10: I'll be waiting.

To my husband...

I prayed for you today. I know I promised myself that I would pray for you every day, beginning several months ago, but I failed to start. I never knew how to begin...where to begin. What to ask for, how to talk to God about you. It's silly to think that I was embarrassed about all of it. About how much love I have for you already, about how much I have planned for our future, about the names I have picked out for the children that I hope we bring into this world, about everything. It's silly to think that I was afraid of bringing the idea of you to Him, of laying it all down at His feet. I think I was afraid of letting go of control and allowing God to have His way with our future. I just wanted it to be us, ya know? For life to happen as it may, for us to meet and fall in love, to have Lillia and Cadance and Tobin and Elijah, to have a great family. The surface of my mind was always clouded with the doubt of God's ability to handle it. What a silly thought...doubting Him like that. After all, He knows you and He knows me. He knows "us" better than we ever will. He's the one that has handled each of us individually for the past 19+ years, and he'll begin to handle us together when He's ready. When we're ready.

Last night was hard. I got into bed, just like any other night, but this insane wave of emotion rushed over my body and I started sobbing and praying to God about how scared I was for the future, and I started writing this letter to you and our children and everything just felt so real. I wish you could've been there to comfort me. I've been feeling somewhat melancholy in general lately, and I think it's just a compilation of a bunch of little things starting to weigh heavily on my psyche. Sometimes I wonder where you are, who you're with, and what you're doing. I wonder if you think about me when your mind wanders. I wonder if you pray for me, too, and if you love the Lord like I do. I wonder how we'll meet, and if you'll make me nervous. I wonder if you'll be impressed by me and if we'll act silly together. I wonder what it will feel like to have butterflies again. But most of all, I wonder how you'll love someone like me.

Even though I'm surrounded by friends that love me and cherish me every day, I can't help but feel lonely. Some of my closest friends are moving right along in this department, and here I am -- the only one that really wants to get married, that really wants to be a mommy, that really could care less about college or a degree or a career so long as I have a family -- and I can't seem to do anything right.  I'm definitely aware of my lack of experience in the love department and I always worry that I'm going to disappoint you, so I try to make up for it in any way that I can. Nearly every single decision I make revolves around our family. I don't support the consumption of alcohol or drugs or sex because I want to be the best person I can be. For you. And for Lillia. And Cadence, and Tobin, and Elijah. I want to be healthy so that we can lead our children into a healthy lifestyle and prolong their lifespan to the best of our abilities. I want to grow spiritually so that you can depend on me. I want to love the Lord so that I can learn how to properly love you. I want to be your rock in times of struggle, your refuge in times of need. I want us to work together and lean on Him in every way. They say a family that prays together stays together, and I know that we can live that out if we work at it.

I am so excited to have children. To start a family, to get our lives going. Most of my friends think the idea of being pregnant is not at all appealing, but I will be elated when we find out we're having our first little one. To be honest, a part of me worries that God may have other plans for us. I know this is extremely far fetched, but what if I can't have kids? What if my body won't allow me to? What if I have miscarriages? What if I can't get pregnant? Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to adoption. I've recently seen a spark of light in me that is actually drawn to it. I've always seen adoption as an amazing thing to pursue, but I never thought I would be strong enough. But I'm beginning to rethink that now. Would you want to adopt? I want to be pregnant and have the experience of bringing someone into the world myself, but maybe we can adopt as well. Just one. Or two, or three, or five -- whatever the Lord calls us to do, we'll do it. If it's in His cards for us, we will lean on Him for guidance.

I carry you, our children, and each of our own families on my heart every single day. My children...our children...they haven't even been conceived and I worry for their safety. I worry for your safety and I haven't even met you. I'm sure by now you've sensed that I'm a worry wart....Tess even agreed that I was last night when I texted her. (She's my best friend -- you'll meet her someday, I'm sure of it.) I like to think that all of the worry is my brain's way of extending the rhythm of compassion my heart beats to. I hope that you love that part of me -- the compassionate part. I think our marriage is going to be a passionate one, mentally and spiritually and emotionally. I think passionate people are beautiful people. I hope you're beautiful in that way.

I just want you to know that I am trying my absolute hardest to be my best self. I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman for you...clothed in dignity and strength, laughing without fear of the future. And I hope that you're hard at work too, becoming the man that God made you to be and building a strong spiritual foundation for our family. I will love you with everything that I have, following the image of the One who loves us.


I'll see you soon, dear. I love you.
xoxo

Confession #9: Your grace is enough.

On December 4, I applied to be a spring 2013 columnist for Mizzou's student-run newspaper The Maneater. I was confident in my application -- the answers I provided, my two sample columns, and the link to this very blog which I was sure would catch attention. I was really hopeful to see where the columnist position could take me and what sort of voice I could bring to campus.

On January 18, I received the following email from one of the paper's staff members:

Dear Alix,

On behalf of The Maneater editorial board, I'd like to thank you again for applying for a Spring 2013 column. I was very impressed. Your application and blog reflected thoughtfulness, knowledge, and strong communication skills. However, the editorial board has decided not to select you for a column this semester. 

We hope that you continue to pursue your talents in persuasive writing and spreading your message, and urge you to apply next fall if you are so inclined. Have a great semester!

My heart dropped instantly. I was so ready to begin working on my portfolio, to write columns that could be used as clips for later applications, to gain some sort of entrance into the journalistic world to which I am still a complete stranger. I was eager to get my words out into the public forum. I wanted to speak, and I wanted people to listen. When I first emailed my application, I was sure that I had a fair chance at getting the position. I had heard countless times from many of my peers and professors that I was a great writer with wisdom, talent, and a real future. And I truly thought that this column was my one-way ticket into a completely new environment. I felt entitled, worthy, and sure of myself for the first time in months.

Over the past few days, I've found myself moping around with the belief that a position I deserved had been taken away from me. Stolen from me, even, by people who failed to see my true potential. I was angry and frustrated and sickened by the lack of recognition my application received. I felt deserving of the position and was extremely bitter about the outcome. In my mind, the column had been mine to claim all along. But that was not the reality. That feeling of entitlement was completely toxic -- but nothing new. In past years, it has crept into every aspect of my life, wriggled its way into the shadowed corners of my soul, and turned my world inside out. Believing that I deserve everything I ever want is exhausting and continually disappointing. The world does not revolve around me. The human race does not bow down at my feet. I am not supreme. In reality, everyone does not get everything on their wish list. Those who attain such pleasure are usually plagued by minds that are off-centered, clouded, and confused. Idolizing success is just as sinful as idolizing any other god.

The Oxford Dictionary entry for "entitled" is as follows:

• 1 (often be entitled to) give (someone) a legal right or a just claim to receive or do something:employees are normally entitled to redundancy pay

To me, entitlement is an emotion created by the human race. An emotion of greed, desire, and a self-centered lifestyle that takes over our minds and hearts on an almost daily basis. Who ever said that we have a right to all of the blessings that are bestowed onto us in this lifetime -- a right so critical that it is viewed as legal? A claim of ownership that stems from disillusion and possessive tendencies? Walking through life every day with a mind of entitlement leads to disaster. We are reminded in Proverbs 19:21 that our own plans are of very little importance: "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails." God's plan is bigger and better than anything that we could ever imagine. Whatever you believe you are entitled to, whatever I believe I deserve, whatever we believe we have earned, is irrelevant in the eyes of the Lord. He generously blesses each and every one of us in ways we can't even begin to understand. There is no shame in hard-work and determination; they can be crucial aspects of progress and success. It is when this driven attitude morphs into greedy privilege that the true trouble begins. Entitlement is powerful. It is not yielding to take over, it is not hesitant to rule. It swiftly fills in the gaps of our hearts and clouds our minds. We must instead focus on the grace of God to develop true understanding. Grace is the single most important thing that we receive without deserving. We have done nothing to earn God's grace, but He gives it to us regardless. Sin forgiven, we are cleansed. He pardons our mistakes and blesses us abundantly every day.

One of the worst parts of this entire scenario is the fact that I completely ignored the actual praise I was given in that email. I was deemed impressive, thoughtful, and knowledgable. The editorial board didn't dislike my blog. They weren't disgusted by my writing style. They didn't fail to understand my message or believe in my talent. The compliments I did receive were small blessings which gave me a sense of happiness that I failed to notice in the first place. My belief that the position was mine from the get-go was a result of greed and insecurity. It's probable that the "big prize" I so desperately wanted was given to a writer of equal or higher talent. Every single one of the applicants worked hard to get the application done on time, display the best of their creativity, and promote a message they sought to expand on. Just because I didn't get the position I wanted doesn't mean the person who did was of less merit. Being a spring 2013 columnist for The Maneater wasn't in the deck for me, but it was a card played by God for someone else. Each of our decks differs in time, place, and circumstance; though the timing may seem off to us, every card is perfected by Him. Worry has no place in the eyes of the Lord; He has "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11).

My advice? Monitor your heart, your mind, and your spirit. Watch the words you say, the thoughts you think, the emotions you feel. Stray from greed and focus on His grace. The rest will fall into place.

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." -- Ephesians 3:20-21

Confession #8: I am rabbit-hearted.

Sometimes I am utterly stunned by how tender my heart can be. How emotional I get, how heavy a toll life's softest blows can have on my well-being, how hard it is for me to let go of the people and factors of my life that I grasp onto with my whole heart. I've been advised to take a more reasonable approach and think with my head, but I can't resist following my heart. I always have and I like to think that I always will. I don't care for logical thinking, I don't favor practicality, and I don't see a sensibility in going through life with a view so black and white. I immerse myself in the 'what if' -- the grey area that slips between the cracks, the hopeful and sincere thought of the possibilities of life. The good, the bad, the heartfelt. Over the past two months, I've come to the somewhat shocking realization that I am not as tough as I have always believed.

Throughout middle school, I was not a pleasant person. I don't really remember why or how I got to be so cold, but the friends who have stuck by my side for the past nearly 8 years serve as a daily reminder that I am blessed to have eventually grown out of that persona. Even in high school, I was known as the girl with thick skin. The girl with a quick mind, who could take it from you and dish it right back. The girl whose fuse was easily lit but slow to burn out. I've experienced numerous things throughout the past 19 years that I would never wish on a person. Familial challenges, heartbreak, uncertainty, and emotional damage that I've worked to (at least begin to) repair. But I've come out on the other end a much happier person. When you get down to it, life truly is beautiful. It's so repetitive yet so spontaneous. So permanent yet so fleeting. So challenging but so immensely inspiring that it's virtually impossible for me to maintain a bad mood for anything more than a few hours.

It has recently come to my attention, though, that my heart is much more tender than I thought. Since I moved to Missouri, I have had to quickly educate myself on the how-to's of adulthood. Living 11 hours away from everything I've ever known, attempting to reinvent myself to a group of people who thankfully cannot use any irrelevant factors of my previous life in Texas to my disadvantage, paying my own way through daily life, maintaining a job while going to school full-time and keeping a 4.0, making independent decisions with consequences that fall on my shoulders and my shoulders only. It's been a crazy, amazing, fulfilling ride, and I still have 3 years left. In such a short amount of time, I've already learned that rejection's sting can be just as permanent even if the journey is crammed into a shorter period. I've learned how college changes people, regardless of the amount of love you attempt to pour into them day by day. I've learned that ignorance is not bliss in most circumstances, but rather power lies in knowledge and understanding. I've learned the insufficiency of second chances in the hands of those who are repetitively disappointing. I've learned that a focus on short-term fulfillment leads to a road of long-term solidarity. I've learned the importance of community, both in the friend and family sense. Most importantly, I've learned that the only being in this entire world that will ever treat me the way I deserve to be treated 100% of the time, make me feel adored and appreciated every single day, and stand by my side no matter the circumstance, is my Lord. He is so good in every way possible. I have yet to find a man at Mizzou whose spiritual life is strong enough to spark my interest, but I hope to soon. Rejection wears heavily on my heart, and I'm doing my best to pour myself into Him so that He will show me His plans for my future in whatever means necessary.

So, despite the advice of my peers, I wear my heart on my sleeve every day. I'm often told that I'm simply sending out invitations for disappointment, but I refuse to hide such an honest part of myself that is so naive and delicate. There are many days where my heart is heavier than I would like to admit. It's scary to be so open with people, but I believe that our hearts are meant to be put on display. The heart is the sole pump of life throughout our anatomy. Without it, we would not exist. We would be cold, lifeless, and irrelevant. Such a noble organ with such a crucial duty shouldn't be hidden.

Life is a risk. It's scary and thrilling and one giant leap of faith. So put it all out there. Lay it all down. Show the world what you're made of. You'll get hurt in the process, I promise you that. But one day, maybe even in the smallest way, you'll realize that it was all worth it. That all of the disappointment and all of the despair and all of the departure and all of the devastation was completely worth your while.

I'm not gonna worry
I know that You've got me
Right inside the palm of Your hand

Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just the way You planned

Confession #7: I need you to need me.

All in all, things have gotten significantly better since I last blogged. Mizzou has started to feel like home. I've made even more wonderful friends who are amazing, Godly role models to me every day, and I've created so many memories that I will never forget. College really is some of the best years of your life -- but they're also the toughest.

In the midst of all of the joy that has surrounded me in the past few weeks, I of course continue to struggle with issues that have surfaced in my mind. Today I came to a heavy -- and somewhat distressing -- realization: I rely solely on acceptance and validation from others to define my beauty, worth, and purpose. This idea isn't new to me, as I've dealt with it since middle school as most adolescents do. But the feeling has yet to wear off and lately it's become a serious problem in the way that I build relationships with new friends.

It's no secret that I love the idea of marriage and motherhood. I've blogged about it before, so that's available as a reference. But lately the idea has been present in nearly all of my thoughts -- considering girl friendships in relation to bridesmaids, considering location in relation to where my future home will be, considering boy friendships in relation to possible husbands, everything. It gets in the way of every detail of my life and I'm really sick of the worrying. The nagging, the constant feelings of inadequacy and unimportance that stir within me when one of my beautiful blonde friends gets male attention for the umpteenth time, the worry that my haircut makes me loose any femininity I may have, the idea that I would be prettier if I was just a little bit thinner and an inch or two shorter, the burden that my personality has yet to grow and develop since seventh grade and I still come off as a hateful, spiteful person, the dismay that comes with feeling like I am not good enough. I am continually plagued with the fear that I will never receive the validation, love, and comfort I so desperately desire from other people.

Tonight, as I walked around my room and cleaned up a bit after dinner, I laid this burden down on the Lord. I cried and sobbed and spoke to him for a solid 30 minutes, confessing my fears and weaknesses and struggles. I had a revealing heart-to-heart with the one man who can help set me straight -- the one man that will love me unconditionally, faithfully, unfailingly, eternally. The one man who will never once let me down.

Honestly, I don't have many moments like that -- moments where I completely and whole-heartedly open my soul to the Lord and pour out to Him. Moments where I don't attempt to hide behind my hard-shell exterior in an effort to come off unbroken and unwavering. Moments where I allow the Lord to stir my heart for Him and no one else.

The Bible is full of verses that explain God's love for us, but there are three key points outlined in the books of Psalm, Matthew, and Galatians that provide me with the first steps in dealing with my struggle to understand that the only person in this world who will ever be able to fill my heart with a sense of completion and purpose is the Lord.

1. My creation was thought out in such a marvelous manner that I will never truly understand the depth of love my God has for me.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
- Psalm 139:13-16

2. God does not care for the material possessions of this world, for we are not of this world.

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
- Matthew 6:19-21

3. The favor of God far outweighs the favor of man -- and it is impossible to devote myself to both whole-heartedly.

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."
- Galatians 1:10

The abilities of our God are unfathomable. If we reflect on the power He has in this world, how can we doubt the power He has in us? Trust in Him and we will find freedom. I must trust in Him to find my freedom.

After I wiped my tears, cleaned my glasses, and resumed homework on my computer, I felt a sense of peace. I opened Spotify and clicked on my "Jesus" playlist, as I often do in times of weakness and emotional vulnerability. Kari Jobe sang words into my mind that calmed my soul and reassured me that the Lord holds every answer I crave. Every validation I desire. Every acceptance I need. Every confirmation I could ever imagine.

Trouble's chasing me again

Breaking down my best defense

I'm looking

God, I'm looking for You

Weary, just won't let me rest

Fear is filling up my head

I'm longing

God, I'm longing for You

I will find You in the place I'm in

Find You when I'm at my end

Find You when there's nothing left of me

To offer you except for brokenness

You lift me up

You never leave me thirsty

When I am weak

When I am lost and searching

I'll find You on my knees

So what if sorrow shakes my faith?

And what if heartache still remains?

I'll trust You

My God, I'll trust You

'Cause You are faithful

And I will find You in the place I'm in

Find You when I'm at my end

Find You when there's nothing left of me

To offer you except for brokenness 

You lift me up

You never leave me thirsty

When I am weak

When I am lost and searching

I'll find You on my knees

When my hope is gone

When the fear is strong

When the pain is real

When it's hard to heal

When my faith is shaking

And my heart is broken

And my joy is stolen

God, I know that

You lift me up

You never leave me thirsty

Find You in the place I'm in

Find You when I'm at my end

Find You when there's nothing left of me

To offer you except for brokenness 

You lift me up

You never leave me thirsty

When I am weak

When I am lost and searching

I'll find You on my knees

If I want others to love me, I must first acknowledge that my Father loves me.

And His love is all that I need.

Confession #6: Darkness is deception.

Two months later and I'm finally back. So much has happened since I blogged last, but I'll try to cover the basics in this post. I've moved to Missouri, made wonderful friends, taken my first round of college exams, had my heart broken, cried myself to sleep, invented a fake fraternity, sprained my thumb, joined a youth group, had two paychecks, and learned an immense amount about myself.

First off, and most importantly, let's get one thing straight:

Moving out is the best and worst experience of my life thus far.

On August 1st, I was so ready to get out of Texas. To get away from home, to start a new life, to take a step in the direction of my future. All I could focus on was Mizzou, freedom, and a new beginning. Looking back on it, I honestly have no idea what I was thinking. I am one of the biggest adversaries to the idea of change. Ask anyone that knows me -- I don't like change. I never have and I don't know if I ever will. I prefer to keep in a routine, to stay where I'm familiar, to remain comfortable in a setting that I have grown accustomed to. Knowing that about myself, I don't understand why I was so ready to leave. Why I didn't realize that once I got here, I would be surrounded by change in every form imaginable; wardrobe, diet, housing, friends, family, elevation, distance, trends, ethnicities, weather, schedule -- you name it, it changed. I was too busy focusing on the excitement of moving here to realize that all of the change would be undoubtedly overwhelming and extremely difficult for me to handle. And it has proven to be just that over the past two months.

I miss home. I miss having a place to call my own, being surrounded by people that know me -- REALLY know me. No one here knows me like my best friends from home do. And I know that's it's been only two months and there hasn't been time to develop that kind of relationship yet, but I guess I assumed that I would move to Missouri and instantly feel this warm sense of belonging that would stick with me for the next four years. But that's not at all what I've found. I've found a cold sense of isolation that haunts me some days. Don't get me wrong; I have many, many great days here. Days where I laugh until I cry, days where I bond with my floor mates, days where you couldn't wipe the smile off of my face no matter how hard you tried. But those days have begun to be outnumbered by darker days. Days full of tears, sadness, loneliness, guilt, and uncertainty. Is Mizzou right for me? Is there a reason for me being here? Am I wasting money attending an expensive school 500+ miles away from home? Is journalism my true calling? What am I doing with my life?

Throughout high school, I struggled with the idea of purpose. I fought my way up the chain of the Richland High School marching band to get a leadership spot my senior year. But freshman through junior year, I was just one of 250 other members. I didn't lead. I wasn't in other organizations. I didn't play sports. I was an average high school student whose life revolved around academics and band rehearsal. Senior year, I was given the title of drum captain and pit captain and I was elated to finally feel needed. I planned and organized numerous details, watched over the 45 members of the percussion cluster, and worked my tail off to make our section the best it could be. Now that I'm out of high school, now that my position has been given to someone else, now that I no longer serve a purpose to a large community of people, I have lost my sense of belonging. Here at Mizzou, I'm not in any organizations. I don't lead anything. I don't play a crucial role in any sort of student function. That privilege was something I cherished last year and I miss it dearly. I miss belonging to someone, to a group, and feeling needed. I know that as a freshman in college there aren't many opportunities to lead right off the bat -- heck, I haven't even joined any organizations yet. I realize that you can't expect to feel purposeful if you don't put yourself in the situation to obtain said purpose. I guess I'm just scared to put myself out there; honestly, I want the reward without the work. That's my laziness kicking in and I fully understand that the fault lies on me. There are just so many things to focus on here that I have yet to find my perfect balance. I hope that I do soon.

Every day, I'm bombarded with an emotional wave of gratefulness and guilt, of belonging and loneliness and fortune and struggle. So many mixed feelings that don't make sense in my head. And the only way they ever come out is in frustration and sadness. I appreciate the good days more now that they're less frequent. I have made wonderful friends here who love me and care for me, and I will never regret knowing any of them. I have made priceless memories here with my floor mates; deltaGAF, getting "chose," community standards, everything with an "h." Nights of laughter and smiles and good times. Those are the times that I cherish. Contrastly, the days where I think of home every minute are much more dramatic, very dark and very emotional. I miss my home. My real home. Mizzou isn't my home -- at least not yet.

I went on Fall Retreat last weekend with a youth group that meets at Mizzou called Veritas. It runs through The Crossing church, which is where I attend service on Sunday mornings. We had a series of sermons on struggles, friendship, and a desire to feel "wanted" -- each of which I have battled with at some point since I moved here. The entire retreat was a wake up call to me, but I've failed to keep the lessons I learned on my mind throughout the week. The teachings really hit home and I felt renewed when we came back to campus Sunday afternoon. I really did get the sense that God put me on that Retreat with all of those wonderful, Christ-loving people for a reason. I actually felt at home while we were away; the youth group was welcoming and vulnerable and allowed me to be myself despite my lack of familiarity with the majority of the people there. Veritas is a wonderful blessing that I have found here at Mizzou. It's one of my most prized possessions and I have met numerous inspirational people through it, including Leisha, Bethany, and Laura. I love them so much already and am so excited for where the opportunities that I have found through Veritas and the Crossing allow me to go in the future.

At retreat, there was a sermon on struggle and how the Lord uses the obstacles we overcome in our lives to glorify Him and spread the Word of the Kingdom to others. What if the struggles I'm encountering now are meant to help me help someone else gain strength sometime down the road? What if my main purpose here, on campus at Mizzou, with the friends I've made and the people I've encountered, is to spread a sense of hope? That light DOES come, joy DOES prevail, darkness DOES NOT win? Despite it all, I know that I am strong. I know that I can do this. I know that things will get better, regardless of how dark it may seem right now. I often fail to realize that God is there with me through my struggle. Every second of every minute of every day. That is one of my biggest struggles in itself -- feeling alone at times that I'm really surrounded by an unfailing, everlasting love. Psalm 30:5 tells us: "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." No matter how dark the nights get, the mornings are joyful and new. I fail to recognize that God's love is everlasting, never-ceasing, and omnipresent. HE is always there. HE is always loving. HE is always watching over me. I am never truly alone -- I am only deceived into believing so. Deep down, I know that there is a purpose for me being here. The journey to earn a spot here at Mizzou was a tough one but God prevailed and here I am. Here I am for a reason. Though it may be unknown to me right now, the reason will reveal itself eventually. I just have to be patient.

The other night was an emotional one, and my good friend from home posted this song on my Facebook page to remind me of the support I have. Thank you, Blane, for reminding me that the future is bright despite the darkness that surrounds me sometimes.

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

I know that I will be home soon.