Confession #16: I am Zion.

The level of laziness I've encountered in the blogging scene since my last post is just plain embarrassing. I've been reminding myself on a regular basis to post again, to update everyone on my walk with God and rant about the problems and resolutions I've encountered as the school year ended in Missouri and I moved back home for summer, but I always forget or get distracted. Typical. But today is the day!

Fair warning: this post is basically a giant mash-up of various details of this summer that build onto one another. Bear with me. We'll make it to the "golden nugget" at the end together.

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I guess I should back the story up a bit in order for all of this to actually click together and make sense.  School ended in May and I was so ready to get back to Texas and see all of my friends. But within the first two weeks of me being home, I had some boy drama. That actual story is long and pointless and not worth sharing, but the important part of the lesson is this: after struggling with self-doubt for months on end, I finally felt like I had some sort of worth, simply because a boy decided to give me the time of day. That was fun for a while until that boy walked away and I was left feeling worthless and unimportant. Once again, I allowed myself to rely whole-heartedly on a boy to make me happy -- on a person, a human, someone who is flawed and makes mistakes and fails sometimes. He failed to follow through on things and I was put back into the same mindset that had caused a sense of isolation for months before.

At the time, it seemed that I was allowing a pattern to continue, an up-and-down rollercoaster of ignorance and realization. I would fall hard for someone's promises, be let down, pick myself back up, dust off the dirt and pain, put on my best "God is enough for me" face, and forge on. But in reality I've never taken the time to actually understand why and how God IS enough. I parade around with my nose in the air about my life for Christ, but I fail to understand such a fundamental detail of the faith. In reality, there was no pattern, no up and down, no "ah-ha" moments. I had never truly come to a revelation on the upswing -- instead, I remained in the depths and couldn't get myself out.

On June 11, I attended a Hillsong concert with my best friend Megan and absolutely fell in love with the Lord all over again. Meg and I were stoked to have pit seats; we spent three awesome hours encountering Jesus and singing at the top of our lungs and enjoying time in the presence of hundreds of other brothers and sisters in the faith. It was a phenomenal experience that I really cannot put into words. I think that my favorite part of the entire evening was when Joel Houston took the time to pray between songs and speak the Word and encourage everyone to fully hand any struggle, any pain, any heartbreak completely over to the Lord and trust that He was in control. You could just tell that Joel was an incredible dude that you'd wanna sit around with for hours, and talk about God with and hear testimonies from and just enjoy the company. Now that it's been a few weeks, I don't remember exactly what Joel said, but at one point he began to explain the meaning behind Zion, the tour and album title, and what it meant to the members of Hillsong United. Ever since that night, I haven't quite been able to get that moment out of my head. I've enjoyed reading about Mount Zion from the Word and researching the historical context online and forming a meaning behind Zion in my own life.

Mount Zion is first seen in 2 Samuel as a reference for the city of Jerusalem. "Zion" is seen more than 150 times throughout the Bible, sometimes in phrases that are used to reference the Jewish people or the church itself. Personally, there has been one specific chapter relating to Zion that has stuck with me since June 11.

Isaiah 51 is titled "The Lord Comforts Zion" in the ESV translation. That detail alone warms my heart. Comfort is such a crucial part of life -- whether it's being comfortable in yourself, finding comfort in the Lord, or working to comfort others.

Throughout the chapter, the Lord speaks a series of promises over His people, who are referred to collectively as Zion. In verse 16, the Lord says to Zion, "you are my people." I love the fact that the Lord takes ownership over his people like a proud parent would. Which makes logical sense because He is our Father and we are His children -- but sometimes the most obvious details are the most overlooked.

Earlier in the chapter, though, is where I find my favorite verse. Isaiah 51:3 states:

For the Lord comforts Zion;

he comforts all her waste places

and makes her wilderness like Eden,

her desert like the garden of the Lord;

joy and gladness will be found in her,

thanksgiving and the voice of song.

There's something about God referring to Zion with female attributes that stirs a sense of adoration in my heart. When I read that chapter, and that verse specifically, I am comforted by the Lord even more as he uses the word "her." I don't really know why that diction affects me the way that it does, but I seem to relate more to Zion as it is described with femininity. I absolutely love that. The Lord comforts her. He makes her wilderness as perfect as the Garden and in her He instills a sense of joy and gladness.

That verse takes away the feeling of separation I often have from the Lord. That verse rips that separation to shreds, stomps on it with the feet of a giant, and throws it into oblivion with hopes that Alix Carruth never finds that uneasiness again. That verse puts me in the shoes of Zion as the Lord speaks promises of love and comfort over me as an individual.

Love is a powerful thing. It's exciting and wonderful and fabulous and I love love -- if you know me at all, you already knew that. But my obsession with this crucial need for confirmation from other people often brings me more pain than joy. Whether it's romantic or friendly, I tend to rely on love from humans over love from the eternal. When I fail to understand why God IS enough, and how His love for me outweighs everything I could ever imagine, I increase my reliance on other people for satisfaction. Which almost always, without a doubt, leaves me feeling insecure and worse than before.

I am not saying that it is wrong to rely on other people for strength and stability. At all. Building a community around every facet of my life has definitely kept me sane and helped mold me into the person I am today. God intends for us to grow spiritually with the help of others through fellowship; He longs for us to worship together and pray together and serve together. There's nothing wrong with wanting a little romance. But when that yearning for adoration becomes an unhealthy craving for validation and worth, there's a problem. Earthly relationships are extremely important, but they simply cannot be your only source of comfort. There is a God in Heaven who loves you and cares for you and wants to comfort you too.

The biggest purpose of friendship and camaraderie on this Earth is to mimic God's unconditional love and sacrificial spirit. The One who created each of us has set the example on how to love as He loves, comfort as He comforts, and accept as He accepts.

 I am lucky enough to have a circle of friends around me who love me unconditionally, comfort my tender heart in times of need, and are willing to sacrifice for my well-being. When they love on me, I can tangibly feel God's love through them. It's a spiritual experience that means more to me than anything else. When I'm being stubborn and failing to recognize how the Father loves me, He never hesitates to utilize the people I hold dearest to shine that light for Him.

The Lord knows my heart inside and out. He knows how to get my attention. He knows where my stubbornness is most prominent and where I'm most susceptible to influence. He wants to give me a sense of joy and gladness -- just like Zion. In my head and in my heart, I am Zion.

I am Zion, and the Lord will comfort me.

Confession #15: Green with envy 24/7/365.

So this may sound pretty silly, but sometimes I like to think that the Apostle James wrote the Book of James just for me. I mean virtually every scripture in those short five chapters convicts me on a daily basis. It can be uncomfortable at times, because no one really enjoys having their mistakes neatly lined up in a row, one by one, with specific details. But they're all there: testing of your faith, hearing and doing the word, the sin of partiality, faith without works is dead, and so on.

I've always loved James, since my first "dabbles" into the gospel back in junior high. Its verses are usually the most prominent in my memory bank, and James 4:8 is stitched onto the back of my high school letterman. He keeps it short, simple, and to the point, outlining how we should live authentically and wisely for Christ.

You can just imagine how elated I was this morning at The Crossing, my home church here in Missouri, when Pastor Keith Simon opened the sermon with a verse from James 3.

Before reading from the Word, he looked at the congregation and asked, "Who are you in conflict with today?"

It was a simple question that struck me with an odd answer. The first word that came to mind was "me" -- I am in conflict with myself. I have been facing extreme inner battles lately and cannot seem to stop fighting with Alix.

The rest of the message was geared towards the importance of community and relationships to the faith, and how we handle conflict from a cultural perspective and how this method does not coincide with what the Bible tells us. Overall, the sermon focused on "one another" but my mind was set on "me, myself, and I."

As I've said in my previous blog posts, I tend to struggle with self-image and a lack of confidence. It's gotten a bit more intense over the past few weeks, and I'm confused as to why this insecurity has popped up so suddenly. I haven't experienced it quite like this before, and, in high school especially, I've always walked around with my head held high -- granted, a bit too high. But now, living so far away from my comfort zone of suburban Texas, separated from the friends I've known since childhood, and forced into new situations that test my strength and ability to accept varying lifestyles, I lack confidence at least 90% of the time. I mean, I am a girl. I have the typical girly doubts of most females: I envy blonde hair and blue eyes, I think my thighs are massive, and I wish my frame was more petite. But that's no justification for not loving myself as the woman God created me to be.

Lately my jealous tendencies have escalated, as I constantly compare myself to my peers on very materialistic and surface matters -- which obviously waves a red flag in my mind. I know that I am not of this world. I know that I have a Father who loves me more than I could ever comprehend. And I know that material possessions and the luxuries of this life do not in any way carry over into the next. For these reasons, I'm even more confused as to why my jealousy has intensified as my spirituality has strengthened. I've grown a lot in my walk with God since moving here, but this is one obstacle that I haven't found a way over.

Luckily, my boy James knows just what to say to make me think.

James 3:13-15 states:

"Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic."

It's a correlation that hasn't clicked for me before -- how of this world jealousy is. A paragraph ago, I said I am not of this world. But my jealousy? It is. It's earthly, unspiritual, demonic. So why do I let it take over me in times of weakness? I wish the answer was complex and illogical, but it's actually extremely simple: the devil creeps in. It's satan getting into my head and screaming at me, cursing at my inabilities and guilting me into believing that I am of little worth. When he screams loud enough, I listen. I give up on fighting back and telling myself that I am lovely. Instead, I grovel in self-pity and list off numerous faults and imperfections. I wave a white flag so the screaming will stop. But by letting the devil win, I give him permission to come back in an hour and shout profanities into my mind once again.

And then I question why my life is chaos. Why I can't seem to get a grip on how these emotions take over me and why I am often bitter about life, angry towards other people, and quick to spit poison. Fortunately, James gives it to me straight in verse 16.

"For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice."

When my heart is full of bitter jealousy, it is vulnerable to confusion. I'll be the first to admit that I am not as strong as the facade I put on every day. I have a very weak emotional complex -- which I am working on as well -- yet I believe that I can do everything on my own. I don't want help. I like to be independent. I like to be ambitious. I like to selfishly think that I have every tool I'll ever need to solve any problem that arises in my life.

But let's get real. Out of the 19 years of life that I've had thus far, the past 10 months have been the hardest. And they've especially been a testimony to the need I have for God's guiding hand, comforting arms, and loving spirit. I just can't do it all. If I continue to believe that I can get over this jealousy hurdle on my own, the disorder and vile practice will continue. And the self-loathing, constant doubt and unshakeable insecurity will follow.

Theodore Roosevelt once said, "comparison is the thief of joy." That statement rings with an incredible amount of pertinence and truth. It's written on my mirror and all over my journal. It's a daily reminder of the dangers of my tendencies.

I am a joyful person -- when I am not drowning in envy. I have to learn how to swim.

So this is me, promising myself and my readers and my Lord to try a little bit harder. Not to do it on my own, but to lay it down for Him. I'm too proud and too plagued by selfish ambition to kick the habit of bitter jealousy. This can be a "God thing" if I just let go...but I have to invite Him in first.

Confession #14: I am perfected by You.

Although college has managed to hurl at me an insane amount of uncomfortable change, challenging course work, and never-ending hours, I combat my own inner battles every day. I'm disappointed when I look in mirror. I don't like the way clothes cling to my body. I wish I was shorter, skinner, prettier, nicer, stronger, braver -- more something. I whine and complain and mope, constantly comparing myself to other women who seem more "perfect" and "put together" than I can manage. On most days, I can't seem to be satisfied with who I'm becoming.

But then I remember that I was created by God. By a King. By my rock, my hope, and my salvation. I was thought of such an unfathomably long time ago by someone so magnificent, omnipotent, and unconditionally loving. Sometimes I imagine God, sitting on his throne, planning out His children. I see Him with a notepad, black pen in hand...

"Keller, she's a brave one...I like the name 'Helen.' I hope Arthur and Karen understand...man, that girl's gonna do great things...in her own way."

"Okay, now, we need a leader...he has to be brave. He has to be captivating...to get people's attention. Martin Luther King...Jr. Definitely a junior in title, but a true leader in every way. He's going to make the change."

Then I see Him pause. Pausing to create me.

"What about this one? What should we call her?...with her olive skin, and curly locks...Alix. Alix Carruth. I've got plans for her...plans to give her a hope and a future."

Now, I'm not equating myself to the leader of the Civil Rights Movement on any level. But we come from the same God. We're cut form the same cloth. We're grown from the same seed. MLK and I, we are fearfully and wonderfully made.

I overlook that detail of the Bible way too often. I neglect the scripture. I ignore the blessings. I am too overwhelmed by self-doubt and a lack of confidence to realize that I come from someone so insanely perfect and powerful and praiseworthy. Someone who took the time to stop, think, and create little old me. A mess of a girl who sins daily and fails to recognize the love bestowed upon her. The creator of this entire universe set aside a time to draw a web for the life of a human so sizably insignificant in the grand scheme of His reign...simply because He loves me. Simply because He loves each of us. We can't even begin to understand the scope of a love that deep, that passionate, that selfless.

Again, in my little imaginative head, I see God sitting there, watching me. I see Him beaming at me like a proud father. I see Him cry when I cry, laugh when I laugh, smile when I smile. But on those days of self-loathing and sadness, I imagine He's a little sad too, like a daddy who knows the true potential of his little girl and watches her fail to notice it all.

"My precious daughter...if only you could understand the adoration I have for you. You are beautiful, my love...there is no flaw in you...Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations...You are mine, Alix. Never forget that."

My Father loves me. He thinks that I am beautiful. He thinks my body is perfect just the way it is. He thinks my hair is unique, even in all of its curly glory. He thinks my smile is captivating and infectious  God knows that I am His, that I am made in the image of His righteous Son with a destiny mapped by His own hand. And He shines approval down onto me every single day -- I just have to look up and soak it in.

Confession #13: It's okay not to be okay.

The past seven months of my life have been filled with continual change and constant adjustment. Moving states, making new friends, changing schools, digging into my major, having my heart broken, building a church community, all of it. It’s been one giant struggle that’s sparked a lot of joy but also an immense amount of pain. I’ve blogged about this topic before, but lately my maternal aches of longing and loneliness have grown even more intense since this semester began. Instead of being excited for the future, I am often nervous and worried that my chances at happiness are completely passing me by. I’ve tried so hard to run away from it, to find joy again and to stop feeling so lost. But I never succeed. Instead, I remain lonely, wanting and confused.

I’ve never been one to feel void of my own identity. I’ve typically felt rather secure in who I am, comfortable with both the negatives and positives of my character. Of course we all have things we wish to change about ourselves, but it’s never really been a major battle for me.

Ever since January, I’ve felt defenseless. I haven’t prepared myself for this battle or the solitude that accompanies it. For feeling so lost and unequipped…for the ridicule, the judgment and the insecurity.

At home in North Richland Hills, my friends knew me. And I mean really knew me. I’ve had the same basic support system since seventh grade. Friends who have watched me grow into a much kinder woman, a woman of leadership and faith and confidence. My closest friends understood my affectionate side and my sassy side. They knew how much I emphasized touch and hugs and admiration, and they knew how to deal with my lack of patience and controlling tendencies. Those friends were and will forever be my home. The place I know that I belong.

But since moving to Missouri, it’s been hard to find that home again. It’s hard to explain to people how much family means to me, how much I want to be a mother, how much I do believe in true and everlasting love despite the experiences life has plagued me with over the years. It’s hard to be judged and misunderstood and outspoken. It’s been a constant battle, both inwardly and outwardly, since moving here, but it’s intensified in the past few weeks. I’ve struggled to overcome the trial and to hurry up past this point and get over it. To be comfortable again with who I am and get over my obsession with marriage and motherhood. But I never questioned why…why do I want to get over it? Why is it not okay to feel this way? Why is it not socially acceptable to have this mindset? Why is it such a foreign idea?

Today, my sweet friend Marisa shared a blog with me from a fellow Christian who understands my confliction. He described that loneliness is a way of God manifesting himself and allowing His voice to be heard in our lives. The blogger emphasized how desires like this have to be brought to the Lord and spent time on – that it’s okay to “rest in that longing…that solitude, that stillness, that stretch. Allow God to transform your ache. Don’t run from it – own it.”

I sat in awe as I read about a man who finally gave me the answer I needed. It’s not okay to feel this way because society does not understand it. Society is of this world – materialistic, confused and fallen. Marriage is no longer sacred, families are torn apart every day, and motherhood is a chapter of life that comes earlier and earlier to teens each year.

But in God’s eyes, this struggle is perfectly acceptable. This trial is calculated, specific and indispensable. The aches are a great opportunity for God to work in my life and build and build and build me into the woman, wife and mother He needs me to be. For my husband, my children and my family.

I have to stop rushing. I have to stop running from Him, running from myself, and running from the pain. It hurts sometimes, and it’s lonely and critical and hard nearly every day. But it’s purposeful. I know for a fact that I will treasure my husband so much more if I’ve gone through such an intense trial to get to him.

Society can tell me what it wants to. My peers can laugh at my aspirations, not understand my outlook, or completely disagree with my priorities. But they’re there for a reason, and they aren’t going anywhere. God has planted this desire into my heart at such a young age in order to transform me into a Proverbs 31 woman of courage, faith and affection.

Today I learned that it’s okay to be lonely. It’s okay to be silent and listening. It’s okay to be where I am and to not really know where life is going. And it is 100% without a doubt okay to want to share my life with a family in a future that God creates.

Confession #12: I've missed the mark.

This past Tuesday was a rough one. It was filled with a lot of truth, a lot of honesty, and a little too much talking. It came to my attention that a majority of the time, my mouth forms words that are judgmental and harsh. When I try to convey a certain message, it is often twisted and seen as hateful and hypocritical. I share my spiritual life with all of you, but some see it as bragging. I'm an open book when the Lord lays something on my heart, but some see it as being too vulnerable. I am straight-forward and sincere, but I'm a hypocrite.

It's no secret that I'm not an advocate of underage drinking. Or premarital sex. Or drug use of any kind. Or a lot of other things. I don't agree with that lifestyle and I believe it only leads to immense self-destruction down the line. I've seen it hurt my relatives, contribute to suicide attempts of those around me, and prolong depression rather than inspiring recuperation. I've seen it destroy families and creative genetic patterns that continue for decades. After seeing the pattern present in my own lineage, I promised myself I'd do whatever I could to counteract such methods of demolition.

Do I apologize for my views? No. But I apologize for the approach.

I try to stem from love in everything I do. Under the hard shell and thick skin, I am an extremely loving person. As you all know, I'm affectionate with my friends, a sappy romantic, and I keep my emotions on the surface. I have so much love to give, and I just want the best for everyone. I want everyone to follow Christ. I want this world to bounce back from how far it has fallen. I want people to follow the law, believe in marriage, and do things to better themselves, not perpetuate harm. I want everyone to understand what it's like to be content with your decisions and experience joy every single day. I want you to feel loved. Especially by Him.

Am I a perfect person? Far from it. Everyone sins, everyone falls, everyone strays. It's human nature; we were given free will as a means of choosing our own path, despite the road that God has already made for each of us. "With great power comes great responsibility." We can use this free will to live a life that tries its hardest to glorify the Lord, or we can make decisions that push us further and further away from His will. It's up to each individual to make that choice. I try every single day to be aware of my actions and their consequences, especially spiritually. But I make mistakes. I say mean things and let words slip and have a faulty filter. I have to cognitively make the choice to not spit poison left and right. Life isn't any easier for Christians. The sinful nature is still there. The remorse is still there. But the difference lies in the motivation -- I don't live to better my own endeavors. I live to better my relationship with Him.


I've made a lot of wrong turns in my 19 years of existence. And I have no doubt that I'll make hundreds more in the years to come. But the most important part of the story is the reversal. The u-turn back to Him. The recognition of the action's true meaning that does not align with the Word. Isaiah 59:2-3 says: "But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear. For your hands are stained with blood, your fingers with guilt. Your lips have spoken falsely, and your tongue mutters wicked things."Sin forces a wedge between us and the Lord. The literal definition of "sin" translates to "miss the mark" -- to make a decision that veers from His will, strays from His path, and claims ourselves as our own authority. I have my own perception of what is right and wrong, of what is spiritually aligned with God. But what does that matter? Do I have the final say it what sin is and what it isn't? No. And you don't either.


He does.
He already paid the price, cured the virus, killed the problem.
The debate was resolved over nearly 2,000 years ago.

What I'm trying to say is I'm sorry. I'm sorry for offending anyone and everyone. I'm sorry for being hypocritical and saying one thing while doing another. I'm sorry for sinning, for dishonoring the Lord, and for not achieving the perfection others hope for. I understand that passing judgment on those who live differently than I do is no the proper way to go about it. That method is definitely not a reflection of the life Jesus lived. He loves ever sinner, regardless of the magnitutde of their transgressions. He loves me despite my mistakes. I have to extend the same to others. I have that love in my heart, but it tends to come across as quite the opposite.

I'll work on the method, but the message remains.

"First, I thank my God through Jesus Christ for all of you, because your faith is being reported all over the world. God, whom I serve in my spirit in preaching the gospel of his Son, is my witness how constantly I remember you in my prayers at all times; and I pray that now at last by God’s will the way may be opened for me to come to you...For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes: first to the Jew, then to the Gentile. For in the gospel the righteousness of God is revealed—a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: “The righteous will live by faith."

-Romans 1:8-10, 16-17

Confession #11: I don't want to obey You.

Lately I've been trying my absolute hardest to give God control of my life and allow Him to direct my path in whatever way He sees fit. It seems silly to try to control the One who created every living thing that was, is, and will be. It seems ridiculous to attempt to gain control of a life that is predestined. It seems foolish to think you can outsmart a god who is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent. Yet every single day, I am desperate to take control of a life that isn't mine. I'm anxious and scared and terrified. And I can't seem to shake this "funk" of fear.

I don't want to obey You. I don't like the thought of giving it all up to You. I don't like the idea of not knowing what tomorrow holds. I don't like being oblivious to knowledge, to understanding. I want to be in control. I want to be the driver, and I want You to be a passenger. I try to fight the urge inside of me that tells me to ignore everything You say. To pave my own path, to try to matter to someone else, to try to make something of myself. I want to work hard and become skilled in my field and have an abundance of friends and never miss home and finally meet my husband and graduate and get a steady career and plan my wedding and start a family. I want everything to flow together seamlessly -- without interjection, without any surprises.

The truth is, this life is not mine. This life is a gift bestowed upon me by my Father, the only One who will never fail me. I'm not of this world, and all of the minuscule details of the life I imagine are irrelevant compared to the amazingly blessed path He has already made for me. I just have to let Him take control. I have to learn to stop trying to control everything, stop searching for my husband, stop stressing about the details. In a sense, I have to stop being me. I've always been a leader. I've always liked to take control of the situation and make the tough decisions. Today, right now, in this moment, I want to call the shots. I've always wanted to steer the boat and make it to land safely. But what is a boat without a sail? What good does a hollow shell do me without something to catch the wind? In this life, God is my wind. He designed my boat long before I ever came along. He gave me a beautiful beach, gorgeous sunsets, and soft sand. He blessed me with a hard shell, resistant to all of the storms and salt and exposure. He set me free at sea, free to navigate as I'd like to and make my own decisions about the ship's maintenance. If I take care of it, if I honor its creation and allow it to serve its purpose, if I let God's wind catch my sail and direct me toward Heaven's beaches, all is well. But in order for that to happen, I have to get my sail out there and allow it to react. If I try to make progress without it, I'll go absolutely nowhere. No matter what desperate attempts I make to get from point A to point B on the open water without that sail, I will forever be stuck. All of the fear, all of the desperation, all of the anxiety falls heavy on my heart and forms itself into a massive anchor tying me to the middle of the nowhere.

Maybe God's plan doesn't perfectly line up with mine. Maybe I want the Atlantic but instead he laid my boat gently on the open water of the Pacific. Maybe He has something in store for me that is insanely better than the plan I have in mind for myself. Something filled with more joy, more peace, and more understanding than I could ever gain on my own. All of the kicking and screaming I do now isn't helping the cause, but pushing me further and further from God's will in my life.

I cannot control everything. I cannot direct the wind and the rain and the water. All I can do is try my hardest to keep my boat in tip-top shape, set sail, and allow God's wind to take me where He has destined me to go.

Confession #10: I'll be waiting.

To my husband...

I prayed for you today. I know I promised myself that I would pray for you every day, beginning several months ago, but I failed to start. I never knew how to begin...where to begin. What to ask for, how to talk to God about you. It's silly to think that I was embarrassed about all of it. About how much love I have for you already, about how much I have planned for our future, about the names I have picked out for the children that I hope we bring into this world, about everything. It's silly to think that I was afraid of bringing the idea of you to Him, of laying it all down at His feet. I think I was afraid of letting go of control and allowing God to have His way with our future. I just wanted it to be us, ya know? For life to happen as it may, for us to meet and fall in love, to have Lillia and Cadance and Tobin and Elijah, to have a great family. The surface of my mind was always clouded with the doubt of God's ability to handle it. What a silly thought...doubting Him like that. After all, He knows you and He knows me. He knows "us" better than we ever will. He's the one that has handled each of us individually for the past 19+ years, and he'll begin to handle us together when He's ready. When we're ready.

Last night was hard. I got into bed, just like any other night, but this insane wave of emotion rushed over my body and I started sobbing and praying to God about how scared I was for the future, and I started writing this letter to you and our children and everything just felt so real. I wish you could've been there to comfort me. I've been feeling somewhat melancholy in general lately, and I think it's just a compilation of a bunch of little things starting to weigh heavily on my psyche. Sometimes I wonder where you are, who you're with, and what you're doing. I wonder if you think about me when your mind wanders. I wonder if you pray for me, too, and if you love the Lord like I do. I wonder how we'll meet, and if you'll make me nervous. I wonder if you'll be impressed by me and if we'll act silly together. I wonder what it will feel like to have butterflies again. But most of all, I wonder how you'll love someone like me.

Even though I'm surrounded by friends that love me and cherish me every day, I can't help but feel lonely. Some of my closest friends are moving right along in this department, and here I am -- the only one that really wants to get married, that really wants to be a mommy, that really could care less about college or a degree or a career so long as I have a family -- and I can't seem to do anything right.  I'm definitely aware of my lack of experience in the love department and I always worry that I'm going to disappoint you, so I try to make up for it in any way that I can. Nearly every single decision I make revolves around our family. I don't support the consumption of alcohol or drugs or sex because I want to be the best person I can be. For you. And for Lillia. And Cadence, and Tobin, and Elijah. I want to be healthy so that we can lead our children into a healthy lifestyle and prolong their lifespan to the best of our abilities. I want to grow spiritually so that you can depend on me. I want to love the Lord so that I can learn how to properly love you. I want to be your rock in times of struggle, your refuge in times of need. I want us to work together and lean on Him in every way. They say a family that prays together stays together, and I know that we can live that out if we work at it.

I am so excited to have children. To start a family, to get our lives going. Most of my friends think the idea of being pregnant is not at all appealing, but I will be elated when we find out we're having our first little one. To be honest, a part of me worries that God may have other plans for us. I know this is extremely far fetched, but what if I can't have kids? What if my body won't allow me to? What if I have miscarriages? What if I can't get pregnant? Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to adoption. I've recently seen a spark of light in me that is actually drawn to it. I've always seen adoption as an amazing thing to pursue, but I never thought I would be strong enough. But I'm beginning to rethink that now. Would you want to adopt? I want to be pregnant and have the experience of bringing someone into the world myself, but maybe we can adopt as well. Just one. Or two, or three, or five -- whatever the Lord calls us to do, we'll do it. If it's in His cards for us, we will lean on Him for guidance.

I carry you, our children, and each of our own families on my heart every single day. My children...our children...they haven't even been conceived and I worry for their safety. I worry for your safety and I haven't even met you. I'm sure by now you've sensed that I'm a worry wart....Tess even agreed that I was last night when I texted her. (She's my best friend -- you'll meet her someday, I'm sure of it.) I like to think that all of the worry is my brain's way of extending the rhythm of compassion my heart beats to. I hope that you love that part of me -- the compassionate part. I think our marriage is going to be a passionate one, mentally and spiritually and emotionally. I think passionate people are beautiful people. I hope you're beautiful in that way.

I just want you to know that I am trying my absolute hardest to be my best self. I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman for you...clothed in dignity and strength, laughing without fear of the future. And I hope that you're hard at work too, becoming the man that God made you to be and building a strong spiritual foundation for our family. I will love you with everything that I have, following the image of the One who loves us.


I'll see you soon, dear. I love you.
xoxo