To my husband...
I prayed for you today. I know I promised myself that I would pray for you every day, beginning several months ago, but I failed to start. I never knew how to begin...where to begin. What to ask for, how to talk to God about you. It's silly to think that I was embarrassed about all of it. About how much love I have for you already, about how much I have planned for our future, about the names I have picked out for the children that I hope we bring into this world, about everything. It's silly to think that I was afraid of bringing the idea of you to Him, of laying it all down at His feet. I think I was afraid of letting go of control and allowing God to have His way with our future. I just wanted it to be us, ya know? For life to happen as it may, for us to meet and fall in love, to have Lillia and Cadance and Tobin and Elijah, to have a great family. The surface of my mind was always clouded with the doubt of God's ability to handle it. What a silly thought...doubting Him like that. After all, He knows you and He knows me. He knows "us" better than we ever will. He's the one that has handled each of us individually for the past 19+ years, and he'll begin to handle us together when He's ready. When we're ready.
Last night was hard. I got into bed, just like any other night, but this insane wave of emotion rushed over my body and I started sobbing and praying to God about how scared I was for the future, and I started writing this letter to you and our children and everything just felt so real. I wish you could've been there to comfort me. I've been feeling somewhat melancholy in general lately, and I think it's just a compilation of a bunch of little things starting to weigh heavily on my psyche. Sometimes I wonder where you are, who you're with, and what you're doing. I wonder if you think about me when your mind wanders. I wonder if you pray for me, too, and if you love the Lord like I do. I wonder how we'll meet, and if you'll make me nervous. I wonder if you'll be impressed by me and if we'll act silly together. I wonder what it will feel like to have butterflies again. But most of all, I wonder how you'll love someone like me.
Even though I'm surrounded by friends that love me and cherish me every day, I can't help but feel lonely. Some of my closest friends are moving right along in this department, and here I am -- the only one that really wants to get married, that really wants to be a mommy, that really could care less about college or a degree or a career so long as I have a family -- and I can't seem to do anything right. I'm definitely aware of my lack of experience in the love department and I always worry that I'm going to disappoint you, so I try to make up for it in any way that I can. Nearly every single decision I make revolves around our family. I don't support the consumption of alcohol or drugs or sex because I want to be the best person I can be. For you. And for Lillia. And Cadence, and Tobin, and Elijah. I want to be healthy so that we can lead our children into a healthy lifestyle and prolong their lifespan to the best of our abilities. I want to grow spiritually so that you can depend on me. I want to love the Lord so that I can learn how to properly love you. I want to be your rock in times of struggle, your refuge in times of need. I want us to work together and lean on Him in every way. They say a family that prays together stays together, and I know that we can live that out if we work at it.
I am so excited to have children. To start a family, to get our lives going. Most of my friends think the idea of being pregnant is not at all appealing, but I will be elated when we find out we're having our first little one. To be honest, a part of me worries that God may have other plans for us. I know this is extremely far fetched, but what if I can't have kids? What if my body won't allow me to? What if I have miscarriages? What if I can't get pregnant? Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to adoption. I've recently seen a spark of light in me that is actually drawn to it. I've always seen adoption as an amazing thing to pursue, but I never thought I would be strong enough. But I'm beginning to rethink that now. Would you want to adopt? I want to be pregnant and have the experience of bringing someone into the world myself, but maybe we can adopt as well. Just one. Or two, or three, or five -- whatever the Lord calls us to do, we'll do it. If it's in His cards for us, we will lean on Him for guidance.
I carry you, our children, and each of our own families on my heart every single day. My children...our children...they haven't even been conceived and I worry for their safety. I worry for your safety and I haven't even met you. I'm sure by now you've sensed that I'm a worry wart....Tess even agreed that I was last night when I texted her. (She's my best friend -- you'll meet her someday, I'm sure of it.) I like to think that all of the worry is my brain's way of extending the rhythm of compassion my heart beats to. I hope that you love that part of me -- the compassionate part. I think our marriage is going to be a passionate one, mentally and spiritually and emotionally. I think passionate people are beautiful people. I hope you're beautiful in that way.
I just want you to know that I am trying my absolute hardest to be my best self. I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman for you...clothed in dignity and strength, laughing without fear of the future. And I hope that you're hard at work too, becoming the man that God made you to be and building a strong spiritual foundation for our family. I will love you with everything that I have, following the image of the One who loves us.
I'll see you soon, dear. I love you.
xoxo
Alix,
ReplyDeleteI know you want, more than anything, to be married with a family of your own. But I think you may need to take a step back. Your entire identity is wound up in these desires. You would throw away a college degree to have babies, a degree which you has been a significant investment of you and your parents. You cite being your best for your future family as the reason to avoid drugs, alcohol and sex. "To start a family, to get our lives going." Your life is going, it is as much in progress and as significant now as your life will be married with children.
You are consumed and scared and excited for your future, but what about your present? Who are you outside of your desire to be loved by a man and to love your children? What defines you? What would make a man intoxicated by you? What will your children learn from you and admire about you?
Being a mother, particularly a stay at home one, is a challenge. It is giving up of so much of yourself to raise your children. Women, especially ones who have spent so much of their time and effort planning and looking forward to being a mommy, often find themselves finding their identity in the children and husbands, as opposed to finding it within themselves. As a child of a stay at home mom, I know what it's like to have my life be so integral to my mother's happiness that a deviation of my plans outside of what she wanted for me caused her to feel failure as a mother, as a woman and as a person.
As you wait and prepare, don't pine or whittle away your days. You may already know the man you marry, you may meet him in 5 years or 10 or even 20. You may never find your soulmate. But when you meet him, be prepared. Develop yourself. Nurture hobbies that make you happy. Live stories to tell your sons and daughters how you were independent and strong. Tame your worrying mind so that when you have a husband and children and have money and fidelity and your children's safety and your husband's health to concern you, you are not paralyzed.
Become a woman that you know the man you imagine as your husband could love. Don't become egotistical and self obsessed, but realize that it is unfair to ask someone to love you completely when you can't even love yourself.
So Alix, don't be waiting. Be acting. Be living to your fullest now so that you practice living to your fullest later. There is nothing praiseworthy about biding your time while you await a more magical or more exciting or more fulfilling future.
Alix, I love your blog and I love you. As a fellow female longing for "love," I'm right here with ya :)
ReplyDeleteBUUUUTTTT the comment above said it all. I couldn't agree more with whoever commented before me. Don't waste away your time now hoping for something better later. Don't put off living the life you imagine yourself living until you think you'll be happiest. That time could be right now.
I completely understand how easy it is to think that "the grass will be greener on the other side." But then again, I know that this time we have right now is fleeting. The people around us right now won't be there forever. Soo, savor all that you can.
And I don't know about you, but I want to have some pretty great stories and experiences to share with my kids (if that's the plan) in the future. I want to give them someone to look up to besides their "mom." I want to be their friend and confidant. I want to be their guide. And one can only achieve such a role through living, through experience.
I have no doubt that you will make and are a wonderful model of faith and will inspire your future children to be the same. But don't forget to fully develop the rest of your awesome self in the mean time :)
I'm here for ya, chica!
I agree with both of you!! I definitely want to live my life 'in the now.' What I meant when I said that I make every decision with the future in mind is a direct reflection of what you said -- I want to have great stories to share. But I want them to be good stories. Spiritual stories. Stories that reflect me in a positive light, rather than the "college experience" that a lot of people look for now. I want to be able to look back on my adolescent and youth years and share all of my experiences, good and bad, with my hub and my kiddos. But I am living in the present, there's no doubt. I love the place that I'm in right now, and I did not mean to sound as if I forget to cherish the moments. I love you, and our floormates, and every one else I've encountered. I've made a lot of lifelong friends and I know that the memories we're making now are great blessings for the future as well. Trust me when I say that I am developing the rest of my 'awesome self' in the mean time. Like I said, I work to be a Provers 31 woman every day. For myself, yes, but for my husband and family as well. I agree with you, girl, but I have always been a future-minded individual. :)
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