Confession #8: I am rabbit-hearted.

Sometimes I am utterly stunned by how tender my heart can be. How emotional I get, how heavy a toll life's softest blows can have on my well-being, how hard it is for me to let go of the people and factors of my life that I grasp onto with my whole heart. I've been advised to take a more reasonable approach and think with my head, but I can't resist following my heart. I always have and I like to think that I always will. I don't care for logical thinking, I don't favor practicality, and I don't see a sensibility in going through life with a view so black and white. I immerse myself in the 'what if' -- the grey area that slips between the cracks, the hopeful and sincere thought of the possibilities of life. The good, the bad, the heartfelt. Over the past two months, I've come to the somewhat shocking realization that I am not as tough as I have always believed.

Throughout middle school, I was not a pleasant person. I don't really remember why or how I got to be so cold, but the friends who have stuck by my side for the past nearly 8 years serve as a daily reminder that I am blessed to have eventually grown out of that persona. Even in high school, I was known as the girl with thick skin. The girl with a quick mind, who could take it from you and dish it right back. The girl whose fuse was easily lit but slow to burn out. I've experienced numerous things throughout the past 19 years that I would never wish on a person. Familial challenges, heartbreak, uncertainty, and emotional damage that I've worked to (at least begin to) repair. But I've come out on the other end a much happier person. When you get down to it, life truly is beautiful. It's so repetitive yet so spontaneous. So permanent yet so fleeting. So challenging but so immensely inspiring that it's virtually impossible for me to maintain a bad mood for anything more than a few hours.

It has recently come to my attention, though, that my heart is much more tender than I thought. Since I moved to Missouri, I have had to quickly educate myself on the how-to's of adulthood. Living 11 hours away from everything I've ever known, attempting to reinvent myself to a group of people who thankfully cannot use any irrelevant factors of my previous life in Texas to my disadvantage, paying my own way through daily life, maintaining a job while going to school full-time and keeping a 4.0, making independent decisions with consequences that fall on my shoulders and my shoulders only. It's been a crazy, amazing, fulfilling ride, and I still have 3 years left. In such a short amount of time, I've already learned that rejection's sting can be just as permanent even if the journey is crammed into a shorter period. I've learned how college changes people, regardless of the amount of love you attempt to pour into them day by day. I've learned that ignorance is not bliss in most circumstances, but rather power lies in knowledge and understanding. I've learned the insufficiency of second chances in the hands of those who are repetitively disappointing. I've learned that a focus on short-term fulfillment leads to a road of long-term solidarity. I've learned the importance of community, both in the friend and family sense. Most importantly, I've learned that the only being in this entire world that will ever treat me the way I deserve to be treated 100% of the time, make me feel adored and appreciated every single day, and stand by my side no matter the circumstance, is my Lord. He is so good in every way possible. I have yet to find a man at Mizzou whose spiritual life is strong enough to spark my interest, but I hope to soon. Rejection wears heavily on my heart, and I'm doing my best to pour myself into Him so that He will show me His plans for my future in whatever means necessary.

So, despite the advice of my peers, I wear my heart on my sleeve every day. I'm often told that I'm simply sending out invitations for disappointment, but I refuse to hide such an honest part of myself that is so naive and delicate. There are many days where my heart is heavier than I would like to admit. It's scary to be so open with people, but I believe that our hearts are meant to be put on display. The heart is the sole pump of life throughout our anatomy. Without it, we would not exist. We would be cold, lifeless, and irrelevant. Such a noble organ with such a crucial duty shouldn't be hidden.

Life is a risk. It's scary and thrilling and one giant leap of faith. So put it all out there. Lay it all down. Show the world what you're made of. You'll get hurt in the process, I promise you that. But one day, maybe even in the smallest way, you'll realize that it was all worth it. That all of the disappointment and all of the despair and all of the departure and all of the devastation was completely worth your while.

I'm not gonna worry
I know that You've got me
Right inside the palm of Your hand

Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just the way You planned